Saint Ambrose Academy: Unlikelies

19

NOVA
I wake up connected to an IV drip, I can hear the monitors I'm hooked up to, but it doesn't smell like a hospital, the bed, the gown, the scent, everything is much more lavish than a hospital emergency room. I also gather that the only monitor or commotion I hear is that in my own room, it must be a doctors office but not a hospital, and I feel confused as to how I got here. Everything looks as if draped in shadows, I can see the silohette, but no details, no colors; I see one of the blurred silohettes shift in the corner and hear them speak.

"I went too far, I could've killed you," his voice is shaky, and my breathing hitches as I recognize the voice to be Matteo's, and I recall thinking he was going to kill me, but everything after that still feels blank. I don't remember why I felt that way, I just remember the fear.

"I know I've hurt you before, and this probably seems like any other time and its confusing why this would be the time I feel guilty and its not an excuse for what I did but I was wasted, and angry. I wasn't even really angry at you, but then I saw you and I became my father. I became everything I hate about him," his voice breaks, and while I will never trust him I see that he is broken too. I understand him for a brief moment. I don't say anything though as I'm still not sure of his motives, this is all unexpected and I feel he is not finished.

"Truth is I do feel guilty for how I treat you, I don't hate you, Nova, I never did. But I don't know how to control my temper, and you just drive me so insane." He takes a deep breath, "Thats not fair, you don't do anything that justifies my behavior, but I go insane. I'm rarely sober, as uh I'm always trying to escape my own demons. When I am sober then I have to face the fact that I am just like him. I treat you how he treats me, and in trying to escape my demons, I think I may have become yours." It sounds as if he's crying his voice is thick with tears, though he starts laughing, its full of sadness and I believe remorse.

"God this doesn't really matter either, how fucking pathetic am I. I'm telling you this but what does it change? I can't promise not to be that guy anymore. I want so badly not to be that guy, but I can't get away from it, I don't know how to be sober, how to deal with the things I've done or the person I've become, or the memories I try to escape." His voice trembles, and he's quiet for good while, I almost think he's left the room.

I don't know how to respond to him, how to behave around this version of him. Part of me sympathizes with having a rough home life. I understand that, but the other part of me feels he's right. Telling me this doesn't matter if he isn't going to stop hurting me, and Angelo comes from the same home as him but he has never laid a hand on me.

"I'm going to get help, my brother is working out the details with the doctors, but I don't have high hopes. I think I'm a lost cause at this point, I scare even myself when I lose control. But I went too far, and it took me seeing the damage I've done, and hearing you pleading; how it reminded me of my own scars to realize I was about to make a mistake that I'd never come back from, I'm so sorry, Nova."

The whole time he speaks to me, he keeps his distance from me, and it's weird to see him seem almost afraid to be near me. I don't know whether to be grateful I don't remember the events he keeps refering to or to be worried I don't remember. I give him a small nod, and what I presume to be a doctor, by the way he immediately starts fidgeting with the machines and drip; comes in. I keep waiting for my eyes to adjust to my surroundings, but its like theres a veil that won't lift. I know I should feel scared by this, but I feel numb and slightly drowsy, whatever they gave me in the IV must be strong.

"Hey Nova, I'm Doctor Luke, do you remember me?" I nod in response.

"She's not talking is that normal?" Matteo asks the doctor.

"She's been through a traumatic event, it could be that her vocal chords are just too strained or it could be a mental block, either way, the actual condition of her vocal chords and lingual system is perfectly healthy, it's likely a temporary side effect of the trauma." I see the shape that I attribute to Matteo, shift uncomfortably.