Vent

ugh

I have never had a great relationship with my family. I had hoped that I would have completely moved countries or even died before or at time I turned eighteen. That did not pan out, obviously as I am here writing this today. 

I met my partner in my last year of high school, I still had my plan to move to another country to live my life, though I fell in love and he did not want to leave his family. I had hope that I could afford to move out, instead I picked university and was not able to afford to leave this place. Turns out you need a full time job and friends, I do not have either. I can afford a room but that would still require losing my pets and I cannot do that to myself. 

His family more feels like a family, they actually treat me with kindness whether they do not like me or not and I am grateful for them. They actually support me. 

My entire life I have struggled with being me, I have struggled with everything, I cannot do math and I never want to be around people that make me feel like complete utter shit. I have been abused by my father, I have always felt less than every person in my life and I will most likely always feel that way. My partner has helped me start to actually want a relationship with myself, my development in learning about that important relationship, the thing is he actually struggles with that part himself.

My family does not like him, yes he has no goals anymore, he is hurting and he does not want to be here anymore. I am not giving up on him just because he struggles within himself, yet in their eyes his tearing me back. YET he has helped me so much to become the person I am today, he has helped me live & at times he really does hurt me with what he does but, he is not related to the fact my family is dysfunctional as fuck. 

I have always felt like a burden, I have felt like I am a piece of shit, that I do not matter, that I have no future and that no one will ever like me. I still feel like that at times, of course I do it may still be there forever. That is what happens when you cannot make your parents proud, you cannot keep friends for long periods, when you are alone... always alone, when you suffer emotional bullying, when you are always reminded that you will never be enough for anyone and that really hurts a child. 

For years in primary school, when my very first friend was no longer my friend I guess this would be first grade. I remember not moving primary schools because this person did not want me to, maybe if I moved my life would not be the chaotic mess it feels to be. No one wanted to be my friend, people would stay away from me, I felt like nothing and I became invisible. I started to self harm because I no longer felt anything, I tried super hard to make friends but the relationships would only last for a couple of weeks then they would either tell me to leave them alone or they would be avoiding me. 

I became more increasingly alone, I realised if I just agree with whatever my parents are saying no matter how untrue it is, if I just left them alone and just focused on doing things I enjoy in no ones company then I would be okay. I would not get hurt, I would just be alone because being alone meant that I was not causing any problems. 

I learnt that I am supposed to just stay away from everyone as that meant that I would be okay, instead of asking my sisters I would just do whatever I wanted myself, whenever I was sent to bed for not eating quick enough or whatever reason I would just play with my teddies and create a new life.

When I reached high school I thought that this was a new chapter, I was no longer around all those people that hated me, I thought these friendships would last forever and I hoped that. I was still struggling internally from all that went on in that chapter and I was just happy that this was a new chance, though every friendship only lasted six months then I lost everyone. 

This time I made a Facebook account, it was as my parents were checking the Facebook of my older siblings and my friends were telling me personal things, I did not want them to know of this so I made an actual personal account. I blocked my family, I added my friends and others. Eventually when I lost these people I already was able to make a new reality for myself and I became a different person.

Instead of being 12 or 13, I was a 17 year old in a different country. I was a girl that was making it for themselves, someone just trying to learn how to cope and I made loads of friends. I was actually really confident pretending to be this whole different person for myself, this is where I started to be able to work through things. These people were extremely important to me, they became my family and they were the first people to actually believe the very real stories, all I lied about was my last name, my age, education, job and my location.

I started to be happy, from the minute it hit 9 pm I became the version of myself that I wanted to be, I create friendships that lasted 4 years. I started to do okay, I was no longer harming myself unless very real things happened with my family and I could not cope any longer. That is how I got through my high school experience. I know I was not exactly happy, it was pretending, it was living this other girls life and I put my happiness into other people, I was not happy myself instead I could count on them to make me laugh or smile.

By year eleven, I was extremely hurt by real life. I planned to run away with this guy in my country, luckily I found out he was seeing his ex and at the time I saw it as cheating. This broke my heart, I could not eat and I was done, life started to look up for me. My father had an accident, he was out of home for months and for the first time, the house was calm and I was actually learning to be really happy. I started to accept that I went through real things that were extremely traumatic personally. I started to heal from those experiences, I started to just work on myself and by that point I no longer wanted to date. 

That Facebook account could have gotten loads of men, by lying about my age those people were believing me and if people found out they could have been damaged about something which was not their faults for trusting me. It could have gotten me into trouble, they could have found out really personal things which could have led them to me. 

One person about two years after blocking me found out personal things, they wanted to harm me and my partner because he feels as if I hurt him when I told him that I was not interested. The situation went about like this: he was writing a status about how no one loves him, I said one day he will find someone then I mentioned about three years before that I thought he was interesting, then he called me the usual "slut", "whore" then proceeded to block me. About two years ago I received threats that this guy was going to harm me and my partner because apparently we are together to "Spite" him. This made me really regret even creating it, though it kept me alive for all those years so I guess it is a semi good thing, as long as he does not know who I am & who my partner is. 

Then my last year of high school, I met my partner. We both have loads of trauma, we both struggle with our mental health, though he led me to doing better and to wanting a future for us both. Instead I am getting better and his getting worse, it is a very real possibility that I am going to get really really hurt by him taking his precious life. 

My life's plans directly changed, I decided on doing a degree in mental health, I decided to further my education and want to learn how to live for once in my life. I only can hope that I will be lucky enough to be able to continue to get better instead of getting worse. 

In this time both of my further studies has caused my family to believe things in which I do not agree with like me thinking that I think I am better than them, I do not why they perceive that when I struggle with so much self hate. I see myself as nothing but a burden, and i just want to get out of their ways. Instead my family sees that I never struggled, yet when they found my cuts they called me an attention seeker and never really helped me, so instead I just kept getting worse. 

I saved myself from more pain, I helped myself get better, to let myself do better and in turn I am doing better. In situations I would always retaliate, that is getting less, I would self harm, I would internalize my pain without sitting with it, without accepting it, without letting it out. I always did go back to my ways, instead I am sitting here writing this because this bitch be wanting to do some shit. I am not going to go back, I am not fucking shit up, I do not want to continue keep being this way. I will continue to improve with every single situation that happens, because I am one strong bitch! Do better for yourself, please. You can do it and we can be on this journey together. 

His family has been amazing, I do not talk to them about things but, if I be saying that I can not do this with my studies they tell me I can, I never hear them saying anything about me which is more than my family. 

This has been a huge help, I feel way better and I am proud of myself for getting through this shit wave again.  ❤❤