Vent

dark thoughts

I am seventeen, I exist, I breathe, I survive.
Some people say I'm depressed, I have social anxiety/generalised anxiety, and an eating disorder -  I'm undiagnosed so therefore these are not true.
I do not share my thoughts as they may appear unhealthy, I'm not mentally ill, I may appear to have symptoms to others but this remains unclear.
I am currently completing year twelve, I have a wonderful boyfriend, a roof over my head, food to eat, warmth, I can hear, I can see, I can breathe. Good things right?
I don't deserve any of this, I am too fat too eat, I deserve to freeze, I am too fucked up for my boyfriend, I am really unsuccessful in everything.
I want to be a make-up artist doing specialists, skin care and SFX make-up which I suck at in general.
I want to become a midwife, bring in babies into a fucked up world but I barely can do school.
Was I abused as a child?
Would you think so?
Whenever I mention this I'm lying, my "father" is a dickhead, he was abused as a kid so I understand why.
He says I'm fat enough, ugly enough, he smashed my head against my bedside table corner at 4, threw punches several times, it goes on.
My sister's and/or mother never saw this as it was always behind closed doors, only they are/were abused by him mentally and physically.
My mother was raped, then found out I was coming into the world is this connected?
My father states I'm not his kid, I used to disagree but learning this really makes me think I am not.
After my mum birthed me, I started to ruin her life, her body went through terrible things, she had to escape for a while, she went into a mental hospital with me just as a new born.
I'm sorry, this may be all over the place, this is how my mind works.
I rather be drunk, drugged and dead.
I hate silence because I can only hear my thoughts and that's not okay, although too quite is no sound but what others would class as loud is my quite. I need music it's the only thing to keep me sane enough.
I was deaf as a young kid, I couldn't hear, I remember the frustration so now I talk funny sometimes, I don't notice when my voice is loud or if I'm speaking clearly.
I was almost hit by my mum's friend, it was her car she was coming over, mum told me to go inside, she started to enter the driveway I didn't know either did mum, I headed for the door I hear mum telling her to stop the car and next thing I know I'm frozen and under the car. I wasn't injured, my coat and wheel marks all over it, it never came out.
I don't believe I had a hard life because I really haven't, I've been kicked out a few times, my parents hate me they make this well known.
One of my regular things is doing something wrong, oh god it's the worst! I hate doing something wrong, its never been a good experience now I sternly tell myself off and punish myself, I do it less then how it usually played out.
I fucking hate myself, man I hate myself.
I wish I was dead, I wish I could replace any dead person in the world, they never deserved to die.
Can I even bear a child?
I doubt I can carry one, my body is a little fucked up, imagine that poor child, they'd be trippled fucked up. I couldn't do that to a poor soul, this is why I'm interested in Midwifery. I love kids its just I don't think I'd be able to carry or create a good life for a child.
I'm so fucked up, not mentally ill.
I cannot be fixed, I can only be removed.
I thought about hiring a hit on myself, I just don't have the money.
I can't successfully kill myself.
I'm not as bad as I used to be, I used to be worse. I've improved I just can't improve anymore then I have.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
I shouldn't complain, I have a good life. I'm not sick and I'm just a kid.
Death doesn't scare me, living does.
I'm surviving.
I had this dream, at least I think it was a dream. It felt so real, I was actually frightened. I was at school, it was about break time, in year 9. There was this guy I kinda liked, we were just about to enter the building as break just ended and he raped me right there and then. I'm unsure if its true, it wasn't sleep paralysis. Everytime I enter that door it comes back to me, it haunts me.
Do I need help?
Do I need to talk to someone?
If I do so thats wrong, I'm not allowed. It's unnatural, completely wrong.
Bad bad, you fucking idiot. Dont think like that!
I'll just sit here and vent into the mirror, the words will never be heard, the tears won't stain the pillows, no one will ever know.
Keep to yourself, don't be stupid.
One day I'll succeed.
I haven't attempted suicide in one year, I haven't harmed myself in over a year, this is good I am being kind to myself.
I want to change this, I need to feel what I want to feel but when they see bad things happen.
I hide it well;
I'm sorry, you are beautiful, strong, awesome, perfect. You can make it, I bloody hope you stay strong. You can beat your illness.
Im not ill, I'm just a little fucked up.