Aesthete

Chapter 21.

The night before we left for the camp, I finally got around to opening the bag my mother tossed to me before I entered the car with Shota, saying goodbye to the life I once had in America.

I plucked the paper that coated the top carefully, tossing it into the bin perched next to my desk. My hand dove into the bag, scrambling to find the items as I felt the lightness of paper, multiple stacks to be exact. I lifted them out and spread them across the surface of my desk, reaching in to remove the simple squared box inside. There were four letters. Each from my mother, sisters, and grandfather. My breath halted when I read his title.

I opened each letter carefully, reading the contents inside. My two sisters made my body shake with laughter, they were light-hearted, innocent, and full of excitement. Two lines from their letters stood out to me the most, one from each sibling.

My older sister wrote, "Even when things get hard, never stop living. I promise you'll be the happiest you've been over there, even if your happiness isn't here, you know our love for you will be endless, like space, to the moon and back, Florence." I smiled, feeling my throat tighten.

My younger sister had written in scribbles, "We're all gonna miss you, Flo. I know you think I didn't realize what happened when I was really little, but I know the way you protected me, I can't wait to see you become the hero I've always seen you as." The tears overflowed, I couldn't stop them anymore, they placed so much faith in me and I had no right to disappoint them.

Florence, I know I'm harsh and difficult to love, I'm sorry if I push you away. There's times where I just want to hug you and your sisters, be happy and smile and love, but I feel like I'm constantly followed by the demons of my past. That's why I'm so relieved to know that you're leaving us behind, not because I don't want you around, but because you deserve to see the world and live a life that doesn't tether you to pain. Even if I stay in the sidelines, I will be your biggest supporter. You are the thing I am most proudest of in my life. You and your siblings are the only thing I don't hate about myself. Continue being the strong, brave girl you always are, even if we're thousands of miles away. I hope you can forgive me for my cold ways one day, I love you more than life itself, always with love, your mother.

My flower, you refused to wilt even when storms littered your life constantly. I've never met someone as caring and as enduring in my seventy-five years of life. I am honored to have the title of your grandfather. Nothing can change the way I love you and your sisters. I wondered if I would live to see the day you become a hero. If I don't get to make it to that moment, then remember this. Even if we won't see each other now, our souls will forever be connected. We are family for eternity, I was too blessed just to have the grace of knowing your mother and you three girls. You'll always be my baby, my little girl. I love you from this life to the next. Yours truly, Grandpa.

I stared at the crisp pages of the final two letters, sinking to the floor. I couldn't comprehend what I felt, the sobs overcame me as grief took over, but there was a feeling that slithered through as I took note and recognition of her and the way she embraced me with simplicity, letting me know that it was okay to be happy. Acceptance.

The organ that was metaphorically dictating my emotions for years finally shattered and recollected itself in a single instant. I became terrified, not because of the pain, but because of the future that awaited me. These letters tore down the unbreakable door that I thought would never open, the pages riddled with sincere words kicked apart any threshold that held me back from letting go, from moving forward.

I was finally moving on.

My weeping diluted into silent tears, my heart felt lighter, clarity and approval drowsed me to sleep on the wooden floor. This was the first night I didn't wake up in tears, the first night that I dreamed of dancing to old Spanish music in a field of daises with my grandfather.