The Radiance of Mystique

I.

One sunny day in the first day of March and I am starting to lose it again. A dreadful morning welcomed me yet here I am again, getting up as I carry the burdens. Ngayon lang ulit umaraw dahil makulimlim noong nakaraang buwan, the trees start to lose its leaves again and so am I.

Today is my mother's Death Anniversary and I can't bare it. I am on my knees and begged the heavens above to end the grief and guilt, to stop my cold hands from shaking while getting flashbacks and being tormented by relapses.

I have no idea to heal from this, all I know is to move forward with unhealed wounds. My delicate skin hurts every shower and the drastic exhaustion never stops. I did not know how I found the courage to get up and break the day.

Alas kwatro ng madaling araw nang pinilit kong bumangon para maabutan ang biyahe papuntang Cavite, this is the first time I was able to go to her grave because I refused to see it for years, a reminder of how much a failure I am. I just cried for the whole 2 hours of trip. The cuts on my wrist give me sort of comfort despite of the heart-wrenching pain this morning.

In God's care

Eleonor G. Pelaez

"It's been 7 years, Ma." I greeted as I placed the white Babybreath flowers upon her grave.

"Kumusta ka? Kasi ako...nahihirapan pa rin makausad. I just...started to grieve properly by now. Ni hindi ko naipagluksa ng maayos ang pagkawala mo noon dahil sunod-sunod akong sinubok ng buhay." I said as I touched her tombstone as if it is her face.

"Your daughter with the uncertain path is still in the same uncertain path. Wala pa rin akong direksyon at napapagod na po ako. I miss you so much, gustong-gusto na kita makita" I sobbed harder.

My father is happy with his own family now, he never defended me nor sustained me. I did not reached his expectations so he despised me. I was lost in the chaotic streets in Manila, crying and begging God to take me with you.

As I was returning to Ermita, I drowned myself in tears inside the Bus, for this kind of tears and searing pain were not felt since she was gone. Masakit ang buong katawan ko, the fresh cuts on my wrist could not compare with the pain I feel in the depths of my heart.

"Ang workaholic mo naman, linggong-linggo nagtatrabaho ka?" Bunganga ni Alice ang almusal ko ngayong umaga nang makarating ako sa Ermita. I was surprised she managed to go here alone, hindi ba siya dinumog ng mga tao sa LRT?

"Kaya nga Sunday Cafe ang pangalan ng Cafe kasi bukas din siya tuwing linggo, parang 'di nag-iisip" I rolled my eyes and start preparing the orders.

"Sungit ng crew 'no? Dapat hindi kayo umoorder dito." Bulong ni Alice sa isang teenager na customer natulala lang ito sa kanya. Pakiramdam ko ay nakikilala siya ng bata kahit naka cap at facemask siya.

Bakit ba may epal na artista rito?! Pwede naman siya mag-starbucks sa Katip, dito pa dumadayo.

I eventually finished the orders and Ron went to the counter for new customers. I pulled the chair from the table beside the glass window pane and faced Alice with my sorrowful eyes. I did not say a word, we talked with our eyes. My tears stream down on my face as she hold my hand with the looks full of hope.

"Your strength has different faces everyday, I know you are always been. But I am here so you can be vulnerable." Mahinang sabi niya.

"I am stronger than this trauma Anniversary, Alice. I can bear this." Saad ko.

"It is okay to admit that you can't today." She hugged me and caressed my hair. And for a while, I feel at ease and silence meddle us.

"Sol, this is not a right time para isingit 'to, pero are you sure ba na wala kang balak magpasa ng soft copies ng mga sulat mo sa agency namin? Sa akinse na kasi 'yung deadline. I just want to suggest it, baka kasi makatulong din sa'yo..." Maingat na pagkasabi niya matapos ang iyakan naming dalawa.