This is Love | Daniel Seavey

eight

Johnny wouldn't answer any of my texts or calls but he posted some videos of him at a party.

"Hi bub, I..." I was trying to send a voicemail but couldn't think straight on what to say. "Just stay safe please. Call me when you can, we need to talk about this... please. Love you."

There were countless people at the same party posting on their Snapchat stories. So many people posting Johnny. He was drinking way more than usual. He was smoking with multiple groups of people. He was getting into fights.

"Please just go home, Johnny." I said quietly to myself as I watched everyone's stories. I couldn't help but cry. Was this another relationship going downhill? Oh gosh, I hope the fuck not.

I mentally could not drive myself to that party no matter how hard I tried. Even if I were to build the guts to go, things would just unfold then and there and everything would get worse.

As the night progressed I watched as his wild energy on people stories died down and he became visibly sad. The last video posted of him was him crying on a couch, holding his phone with one hand and tugging at his hair with the other.

Is it me? Am I the one causing these relationships to turn to bad? I caused Daniel to starve himself because I was being selfish over my own feelings. Now that I was able to help Daniel, I hurt Johnny. Am I the problem?

I was deep in thought when I heard my phone start to ring on next to me as I was sitting up in bed. The caller ID showed Johnny's name and I immediately pressed the green accept button and put the phone to my ear.

"Johnny?", was all I managed to say when I answered. I could hear the music and people cheering in the background.

"Baby..." is all he said. He sounded so hurt and I immediately felt even worse. "Yes, I'm here bub, where are you? I can pick you up and bring you home" I said as I felt the tears start to form in my eyes again.

"I... I don't know" he slurred. "Share your location with me", I softly said. I got the notification saying he shared his location and I saw that he wasn't anywhere near campus. He was in West Hollywood.

"I'll be right there, okay? Stay where you are." I told him.

Nothing was heard from his end anymore besides the background noise.

"Johnny?..." I asked, trying to make sure he was still there.

It took him a few more seconds to reply but when he did I felt the worse I could in this moment. "Do you even love me?", he cried.

I started to cry with him. "Of course I do, you know that. I'll be right there. Please, just wait for me" I said, with the softest voice I could between my cries.

"Okay." He answered then hung up.

I hurried my way to West Hollywood. There was no traffic at all considering it was 2 AM.

When I got there I parked in the middle of the street with my hazard lights on right in front of the house, since there was no parking.

I saw him laying on the grass as I got out and I made my way to him.

"Come on, bub, we gotta go home." I said sniffling as I helped him up.

"You're so pretty." He said as I was helping him get to the car.

All I did was smile. I didn't know what to say to him in his current state. There's not much he would understand. I just wanted to get him home safely.

We made it to the car and I opened the door and made sure he was buckled in. I had a water bottle in the cup holder that I made him drink as well.

When I came around to my side I noticed him staring at me. I gave him a small smile before I buckled myself in and drove off, turning off the hazard lights.

"Stay hydrated" I told him. He wouldn't take his eyes off me the entire drive besides when he would drink water.

"You know, I did a little coke today" he said and smiled as we were at a red light. "I didn't like it" he said. He was talking like a kid, saying things as if they didn't have meaning.

I didn't want to say much because I kept reminding myself that he was completely out of it.

We got home and I held him up as we walked to my door. I walked him in and to my bedroom as he was humming a song. I changed him out of his clothes and left him in his underwear and tucked him into bed.

"No kissie?" He asked as I was walking out of the room. I smiled to myself. He's so genuine and wholesome even when he's intoxicated. I hate that the night turned out like this because of me.

I leaned down and pecked his lips before I grabbed a blanket and walked out. I decided to sleep on the couch to give him space through the night and into the morning.

I couldn't help but overthink. My childhood, my relationship with my dad, my relationship with Daniel.

I was thinking so much, it got to the point where I wasn't even aware of what I was doing. Once I became aware, I couldn't contain the ball of emotions that I started to feel. I burst out into tears and I did my best to keep the sobs silent.

It took a while, but I cried myself to sleep that night. It was the first time in a while but of course it was bound to happen again sooner or later.

Maybe I just don't deserve love. I mess things up one way or another.