This is Love | Daniel Seavey

nine

Every 30 minutes or so I was waking up. I couldn't sleep knowing another one of my relationships was at risk because of my stupid actions. 

Once it was 7 am I didn't even bother to try to go back to sleep. I got up to open the blinds and see the sky lighten up as time went on.

I didn't want to check Instagram or Snapchat anymore, it would drain me even more. All I could do was think of all the different outcomes of what my conversation with Johnny would lead to in a couple hours.

Was it meant to end like this? Are we meant to fix this? Does he actually think I don't love him?

Of course I love him but, why is it so hard to show it?

Hours passed and I stayed right where I was and thinking the same things over and over again.

"Aw shit" I heard a groan coming from my bedroom. "Babe?"

My eyes immediately started tearing up at the sound of him calling me babe.

"Yeah?" I said back

"Come" he said blandly.

My palms started to sweat. I'm only gonna get one chance at this so I better explain myself the best I can without absolutely fucking this up.

I got up from the couch and walked over to my room. He was there, shirtless, leaning against the headboard of my bed. His hair was a mess and his face still looked tired.

"Hi" I said ever so quietly. I couldn't control the tears forming in my eyes and I tried my best to blink them back but there was just too much.

"Come here baby" he said as he extended his arms out.

I crawled onto the bed and fell onto his chest as he wrapped his arms around me and rubbed circles on my back.

"I'm sorry" he said "I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry that I let my anger get the best of me. I'm sorry that I let my horrible day take control of my emotions. I'm ready to listen now." he spoke

I stood quiet for a couple seconds thinking of the right way to say everything.

"I...I don't want to mess this up." I mumbled "but I'll get right to it then." I sat up and sat right next to him but facing him perfectly. He placed his hand on my thigh and started rubbing comforting circles with his thumb.

"My ex... he, um, he was starving himself because he felt bad for what he's done to me. So his friends were worried and they called me asking if I could help. I- I wanted to help him because I know what it's like to feel like a horrible person and to start blaming yourself and- and to sabotage your well being like that and, although I don't like what he's done, I wanted to help him with it." I explained as I looked down, fiddling with my fingers on my lap as Johnny listened.

"I'm seriously so sorry. I didn't know it was that serious, I- I wouldn't have reacted that way or accused you for cheating. I'm so sorry, I should've just listened." He said with guilt in his voice.

"You're a good person like that, I don't know why I ever thought the way I did." He grabbed my face lightly and made me look up at him. Now I could see the tears forming in his eyes. "I love you. Seriously. I'm sorry for being such a dick yesterday. I had a shitty day and I took it out on you when I shouldn't have."

"What happened yesterday?" I asked in a very light, low energy voice.

"I met some people from around school and they were trash talking our relationship all day and wouldn't leave me alone. They kept reminding me that you deserved better and honestly after the way I acted last night, they may be right" he said as he started to sob.

"No, no, it's okay. It's not your fault. I should've-"

"But it is my fault, Kristen. That's the thing. I let my anger take over and I put my common sense aside" he cried as he hunched over his lap.

I was taken back by him calling me my name. Although I know this is a serious situation, it's weird because hearing him call me anything besides the pet names he has for me.

"Stop." I said, "they got into your head. I know they did. And after that, your reaction to me telling you I was with my ex makes complete sense. I should've told you where I was going rather than just saying I was going with a friend and I'm beyond sorry for that" I stated.

I wiped away the tears that were trickling down his checks and made him look straight at me this time. "It was all just a lack of communication. We can work on it. We will work on it. Okay?" I said looking him straight in the eyes. He nodded his head and slowly parted his lips. "Okay" he managed to say.

I took my hands off from his cheeks and wrapped them around the back of his neck, pulling him in closer for a hug.

"I became a whole different person and I'm sorry for that." He whispered. "I promise you won't have to worry about that again."

~

I'll be going back to chapters of this book and the last one and adding well needed trigger warnings, so please, comment which chapters you think need a trigger warning from both books, under this chapter. Also, don't be afraid to educate me on any mental illnesses or symptoms of anything mentioned! I've realized that there are a lot of people reading my work and everyone struggles with something so it would be best to warn you guys when something that may trigger you guys will come up. So once again, please comment here to let me know what TW's I should put on whichever chapters that need it!