Thoughts

The day I died.

The day I died.
The day I died I was happy.
no it did not rain the morning of the day I died.
The day I died I ate breakfast.
I smiled at the people in the street.
I hummed softly a song to my self,
a song by Halsey,
one that said to be kind.

The day I died, I ate lunch.
I hung out with my friends,
I talked too much and laughed so loud that my throat hurt and itched afterward.
And when I got home I talked and laughed some more with my mother.

The day I died,
I thought about the boy I liked.
was I trying too hard to get him to notice me?
The day I died I called my best friend and her mother,
I talked and laughed even more.

The day I died I thought of Adiche and how much I wanted to be like her. Strong,bold and Beautiful.
The day I died, I stared at my reflection for over an hour.
I stared at my eyelids and lashes.
I stared at the little black dot between my eyebrows.
I stared at my lips and for a moment I felt there were evenly proportioned.
No, maybe my upper lip was slightly puffier.
I did a pout.

The day I died I thought about you.
I think about you everyday.
I thought about your face and the shape of your lips.
I miss you.
I thought of your laugh, the beautiful melody that messed up the beat of my heart.
I thought about how your eyes crinkled and twinkled and how fine lines appeared at their side when you laugh.
I miss you.
I thought of your hands.
Big, strong and always warm.

I thought of my mother and how much I loved her.
I think about her everyday.
I love her voice.
I love watching her.
she is beautiful,my mother.
Strong, kind, brave and beautiful.

I thought about all of you,
I always do.
sometimes I think of the times we spent together.

I thought about my troubles,
my trumas, my anxiety and my blue.
Suddenly I couldn't breathe.
I thought about what would happen if I aid this,
and end me.

What would you do if you were here?
My mother! what would she feel?
I never wanted her to suffer.

Then she came.
But how?
I was fine a minute ago!
You finally took me didn't you?
You have always whispered in my ears how much you wanted me away.
You planted those seeds in my heart and asked me to jump.

The day I died I was happy.
I had my mom and memories of him and his laugh.
I had my best friend and her mother.
I had song of Halsey on my lips.
The day I died I didn't want to.
The day I died I didn't wish to.
The day I died you didn't whisper like you used to.
You did not put your heavy hands that I have never been able to shake off on my shoulder and ask me to jump.
You did not flick my forehead with your finger and call me stupid.
You did not remind me of my failures and rejections.
You left me alone,
because you knew you'd have me that day.

but I didn't want to.
I didn't think 'to be or not to be'.
The day I died I didn't want to.
The day I died I was happy.