The Love I Gave

Chapter 3

TW: eating disorder. kinda. well you see signs of it but it's nothing to graphic.

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When Zayn gets to the lobby the rest of the boys are already there.

"Oi almost thought you were gonna skip again," Louis says.

Zayn rolls his eyes.

"Relax. I'm five minutes late. For me that's nothing" Zayn responds. Louis mumbles something about him being lazy and Zayn jokingly punches him in the arm.

"Can we pleaseeeeeee get food. I think I'm dying" Niall says as he dramatically leans on Liam to indicate that he is in fact "dying".

"Sure Niall. We have a about 45 minutes before we have to be at the interview so we've got time to eat." Liam says and then he's pushing Niall off.

The boys start deciding what they want to eat and it doesn't take long for it to become an argument.

Zayn though, has tuned them out. The idea of eating right now, in front of the boys, makes him want to be sick and he searches his brain for some excuse to get out of it.

It's not like he doesn't eat. He does. Just, not when he feels like this.

When he's like this, food seems like an award he hasn't won. Food is a privilege that you have to earn. And Zayn doesn't feel like he's earned much these days.

When Zayn looks up Louis and Niall are still arguing about where to get food and Liam, per usual, is trying to stop the fight and come to an agreement.

Harry though, Harry's starring right at him.

"Where do you want to eat Zaynie?" He adds the nickname that nobody has used since the early days and Zayn's heart aches at the memory of the "early days".

"Oh I don't care Haz. I'm not really hungry so whatever you guys want," he responds.

"You sure? You didn't come to dinner last night and I know you didn't wake up early enough to eat breakfast before the meeting" Harry states clearly.

Zayn tenses and he can feel everyone's eyes on him.
He hates it. He hates it when all the attention is on him. Ironic huh.

Thing is, he knows Harry's got a point and if he really thought about it he'd probably freak out at the fact that he hasn't eaten in more then 24 hours and doesn't feel hungry at all.

But he doesn't dwell on it. Not eating, it helps. Kinda. And he's doing the best he can so Harry and everyone else can fuck off.

"I stayed in my room and ordered in. My sister called and I stayed on the phone with her for a while."

It's not necessarily a lie, Doniya did call.

"But you still didn't eat breakfast," okay. So it's clear Zayn's not getting out of this without a fight.

"So? It was early. Let it go Harry, I'm a grown man I eat when I want." Zayn says and he knows he's being a dick but he really can't handle the questioning right now.

The look Harry gives him makes him feel like the worst person in the world.

"Uhh so we decided where to go," Niall says trying to break the tension.

Zayn shakes his head. "You know what? I'm good. I've got the address to the interview place I'll meet you there I need a shower anyway".

And again, Zayn walks away.

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"So today I have with me One Direction! Now guys thank you so much for being here it's really an honor to speak to you all!" the interview says cheerfully. She seems nice enough if not a little too enthusiastic.

Liam smiles politely. "Of course, thank you for having us."

"So, we've got some questions from the fans so I'll just start asking them now."

"Okay so who's your celebrity crush?"

Zayn fights hard not to roll his eyes. It's always the same questions. Overused questions that are asked in hope of getting a glimpse of their personal lives. Little facts about them that every interview craves in hopes that they can twist the words and make a scandal out of nothing.

Zayn loves singing but he fucking hates the rest of this.

The other boys don't seem to mind though. Especially Harry who is always answering the questions with a bright smile and a twinkle in his eye.

Not for the first time, Zayn finds himself being jealous of how good everyone seems to be at this.

"Oh, and Zayn how are you feeling?" the interview asks with curious eyes.

Zayn's a little shocked they even care about his health before he realizes that they don't, this is just their lame attempt to find out if he's a drug addict.

"Much better, thank you" the smiles tight but he's proud of himself for giving one at all.

"That's great to hear. So no other problems? There's been some rumo-"

"None. I was sick, but I'm feeling much better now." The smile is getting tighter and his teeth are starting to ache.

"Lovely lovely, I have to say we were all worried when we heard you may be leaving the band" she waves it off and does a dramatic sigh already asking Niall what his favorite food is.

Zayn stops breathing.

He stops paying attention to the rest of the interview. Not that he's needed. The boys have been able to handle answering most of the questions this long and they can do it again today.

It's just, she said leave. Like, like he could actually leave the band.

'I can't leave' he thinks bitterly.

'This is it. You just need to be stronger. Deal with it. Your not dealing with it right'

Zayn does everything he can to try and forget the small feeling of hope when the lady says 'leave the band'. The fact that he's not insulted by the whole thing makes him feel extremely guilty.

When he looks up the interview is wrapping up and he thanks the interviewer like the rest of the boys, and smiles in the camera one last time.

Zayn doesn't look at the other boys. He's embarrassed and he's ashamed.

He knows they can't hear what he's thinking but he always knows he wears his heart on his sleeve and he hates how pathetic he looks.

They're, him and the boys, are not as close as they were when One Direction started. They're no longer new to the industry and they don't need to hold on to each other like they did in the beginning. They don't need the familiarity of each other because all of this is familiar now.

They've grown up.

And Zayn can't help but think that maybe while they were growing up, he grew away from them.

Maybe he was too quiet.
Maybe his humor was too different.
Maybe he was too different.

Or maybe he just never really fit in.

Zayn sighs and asks one of the bodyguards for his pack of cigarettes.

He's in the biggest boyband on the planet and he's never felt so alone.

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Idk if I'm going to add any relationships in this story or just make it a friendship of all the boys.
Anyways hope you enjoyed,
Hope everyone's doing well❤️❤️