lemon's curse h.s.

eight

unedited

emmalyn.

(second week of october)

I've never been much of a people's person.

Not in the way one might think though. I love going out, I love being surrounded by people, I love getting drunk with strangers on rooftops of buildings I've never been to before, I love complimenting strangers on the subway even though I'll probably never see them again.

I guess when I say I'm not a people's person, what I mean by it is that I've never really met anyone who I've felt understood by. I don't complain about it because it's mostly my fault, I don't open up to people and honestly, I have no desire to. The loneliness which once ate away at every fibre of my being, shrouded me in misery and cloaked me with despair, is now what brings me the most comfort.

Because I never really opened up to anyone, I've never really had any real or close friends. Sure, there's people like Harley but we only ever communicate on common grounds, there's nothing tangible or raw in what we connect on. Harley doesn't make any effort either. I used to think it's because she didn't like me but I've come to understand that part of her, she doesn't like to show her true colors either.

In high school, I was always switching between groups and by college I sort of gave up the effort of making friends. Sure, I knew people, people knew me, but it was nothing more than that. Most of the people I knew were either from my classes or those who I would socialize with at drunken get togethers in various bars.

Relationships were out of the question altogether. I went out on silly dates here and there, just for fun, sometimes just for the sake of it but I never let it get too far.

Honestly, most of the stuff I did was just to mark it off the checklist, I needed some sense of normalcy, some indicator that I was headed in the right direction, or at the very least, the knowledge that what I was doing wasn't  entirely wrong.

Ten years from now, if I have a change of heart, I don't wanna look back and feel as though I missed out. The only thing I want is to not have any regrets.

When I left college, I had the same thought in mind - I wasn't gonna force anything. I wasn't, and still am not, in pursuit of anything long lasting. All I want is to get through this year and go back to college to finish studying.

Whether it's always gonna be like this or not, I'm not sure. But the uncertainty doesn't scare me anymore, I've learned to live with it. It's like when you're a child, afraid of the dark, afraid of the monsters that might be living in the dark. As you grow older, there's still a part of you that believes the they might be there, you're just not as scared of being in the presence of those monsters.

"Hello, friend."

Joshua greets me at the door, his hand held out for me to hold which I take lightly as I climb down the stairs, no longer elevated to him. Sending him a smile, I quickly let go of his hand, opening the door for the both of us to step out into the crowded, bustling streets of New York City.

Over the past week, we've practically spent every single one of our breaks together. We both knew going out for lunch everyday wasn't a sensible thing to do, so our time together was mostly spent in the break room, over a cup of coffee and some homemade sandwiches while we laughed over past anecdotes.

But today he urged we both go out again, since it was a 'brand new week' and all.

There's still moments of awkward tension between us but it doesn't really bother me, I still deeply appreciate his efforts to accompany me during my free time. Most of our conversations rely on office drama: who's going out with who, who messed up their tasks, who accidentally spilt coffee on Mr. Cooper, who became Caroline's newest target.