monday, 12th of april, 2021
i wish you'd stop making me feel like i'm the monster.
i know you don't do it on purpose... but it hurts, you know.
it's not my job to love you back, nor will it ever be. the letters you write in the letters channel hurt me, you know. you say you hate me for it, and yet you're still my friend ? why should i try and open up to you and love you when you say i hurt you ? when you say you have all this built-up rage against me ?
you... really act like it's my job to love you back. you're not doing it on purpose, i know. but what am i supposed to do about this ? "but when people let me in, when they started loving me back, you still didn't. you'd disappear when I needed you. you'd run off with others. i guess they made you happier than I could. I've grown used to you not noticing, to you not listening, to you not caring, it seems, about me. and maybe you do all of those things but don't share it. I'd appreciate it if you would though, I'd like to get to know you. i still don't. I've seen you every now and then, but it feels like we're strangers." that's what you said. well, a part of your second letter, at least.
i'm like this with everybody. i've just been hurt so many times before that when i feel you getting too close for comfort, i put up my wall. today, your girlfriend told me you confessed to me three times. why can't you just see... i can't help you the way you need to be helped. i need to help myself first. why do you look for my attention when i can't even care for myself. can't you see the pain in my eyes ? you said you could read me so well, better than any of our friends can, but you miss the most important points. you can't see that i care. i cant really show you i care yet, you need to be patient if you really want me to open up to you. please stop putting this pressure on me, because you're only pushing me further and further away.
i do care. i just have a funny way of showing it.
