Random Oneshots

feelings

It has been pretty hard lately. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. It's like everything just doesn't seem exciting anymore. I really hate this.

I've been feeling sad, angry, confused. I hate it.

Most of the time i just think of taking a knife and plunging myself with it to end this misery. The other side of me tries to stop myself from doing that. That's how I'm still alive.

I'm honestly surprised that I'm still alive. I should've died as soon as i thought about killing myself.

The things i used to do doesn't make me happy anymore. My hobbies have gone from interesting to dull. I'm not the way i used to anymore and i fucking hate it.

I hate this. I hate myself. I hate everything. I hate everyone.

They're just so happy without me. They wouldn't care if i was gone.

I tried to tell them but a part of just doesn't let me and it's frustrating. I tried to drop hints but they don't even pick them up. I thought one of them knew better but no. They're just like everyone else; Oblivious. Maube I'm just too good at hiding my emotions.

The voices in my head actively repeats their words.

No one cares about you

Your family would be better off without you
Your family doesn't love you

Just kill yourself, no one would even care

Kill yourself
No one cares

Everyone is better off without you

The world would be better off without you

You're just a waste of space
Just kill yourself

Everytime the voices would come out, i would cover my ears, hoping that it would go away but they don't stop. They never do. I tried everything i could to make them go away, it would work for a moment though they always come back. They just stay there, infecting my mind.

I cry myself to sleep, the voices going away once i was asleep.

That's the only time i have peace in my mind.

Even though i love sleeping in, I don't look forward to tomorrow. The nights where I don't have those intrusive thoughts, i stay wide awake. I don't want tomorrow to come yet so i stay awake until my body forces me to close my eyes and sleep.

I'm not always sad, though.

If I'm lucky enough, i get, at least, one day without being so fucking sad and suicidal.

My family makes me happy sometimes. Makes me forget about worries for a moment. A fleeting moment.

My mom says I'm on my phone too much. She doesn't understand that my phone is the reason I'm still sane and alive.

I watch videos to make me happy and laugh and feel something, anything. I have comfort content creator that i got to watch whenever i was having a mental breakdown, and whenever the voices come back again.

If my mom heard me say that she would've said that that's stupid and tell me to stop being on phone all the time.

I'm so lonely.

I just want someone beside me.

It doesn't even have to be romantic.

I want someone to hold me.

Someone to love me.

Someone to say that everything will be alright.

Someone to say that i matter.

Of course, to have that i have to talk to someone and socialize. Socializing isn't my forte. I fucking hate talking to strangers.

I guess i just have to wait until i find them.

Or don't and just die lonely, alone and single.

That actually doesn't seem so bad though. I don't have to worry about breaking their hearts when i die of natural causes or kill myself.

Why does it look so easy to just fall of a building but it's hard to actually do it. I want to die but why the fuck doesn't my body let me? Just let me die and get me out of this misery! I'm so tired of humanity, the pressure and the fucking future!!

There's a lot of things i want to do but my body and mind doesn't let me.

Amidst of all the suicidal and bad thoughts, lie a hopeful one.

When i kill myself, I won't be able to see all the things that haven't been invented yet, or all of the movies and shows that haven't been made yet. That may be why I haven't had the guts to kill myself yet.

Overtime, my mental state gets a little bit better.

Maybe, there is hope for me afterall.