We'll be alright [L.S.]

Chapter Six: The Cold Metal

!TRIGGER WARNING!

self harming: if you have bad experiences with this or it is a sensitive topic for you, do not read this chapter. There will be a summary in the next chapter, so you can just read that. (Also, read author's note at the end of this chapter)

[Harry's p.o.v]

I needed to do this. I couldn't stop myself. I've been strong for so long. I made my decision.

So I got to the bathroom. I grabbed the razor. I haven't done this in a long time.

There was a time when I was a happy little boy. Then things got bad. I came out that I was gay to my parents when I was fourteen. My mom had no problem with it at all but my dad left two weeks later in shame for his own son. Fortunately, my mom now has Robin. He is more of a father to me than my real father. When I thought that was the worst part, it hadn't even started yet. I came out to my friends. I did expect some to leave, but I didn't expect it to be so many who weren't okay with it. From then on, I was bullied every day at school. Not just bullying, also beating and pushing. I was in the hospital a few times. Luckily I still had Noah, but he eventually dropped me too and he started bullying me the worst out of everyone. Maybe I just thought he was the worst because it's just so painful to be bullied by the only person you could turn to and be completely yourself. I never told him, or anyone, but I had a little crush on him. It wasn't big, but it was very painful when he also started to bully me. That lasted for two years. So when my mom and Robin had decided to move here I didn't think it was so bad. It can't get any worse, I thought, but now I'm afraid that the bullying will happen again.

I want to feel the cold metal cutting into my skin again. I want to see the red streaks of blood fall from my arm to the floor. But most of all I want to feel the physical pain and forget the mental pain....

So here I am. Standing in the bathroom in front of the big mirror. The razor in my hand. The metal reflected the light from the bright lamp. Before I knew it, there was a cut. Now I couldn't stop. It felt so good. Finally having control of my pain. Just kill yourself already. A second cut. Fag. A third. You don't deserve to live. A fourth. In the end, I had eight cuts. Four on each arm. The blood slid down quickly. There was a lot of blood. By now I knew how deep I could go. So I know when it's deathly and when it's not. Quickly I went into the shower. I only had my boxers on because I knew I was going to shower after this. As the water went over the wounds, it started to burn badly. I had to grit my teeth to hold back a scream. I see how the water turns to pink and how my arms finally become visible again without all the blood.

I got out of the shower and when I had my boxers back on I grabbed the first aid kit. I cleaned the wounds and put a bandage around them. Luckily it was still pretty cold so I could just put on a hoodie or long sleeve shirts. My mom and Robin really weren't supposed to find out about this. Neither should Liam and Niall but if they see a bandage they might not immediately know what I did. My mom and Robin are going to know right away though.

But I was glad I did it.

This is what I deserve...

~The next day~

It was Saturday and Niall, Liam and I were sitting on the seats of the football stand. Because we were so early, we had very good seats. We were on the third row somewhere in the middle. The game went quite well. Our school was ahead by two points and the match lasted only 15 minutes so there was a chance for our school to win.

I would like to go and see Louis after the match, but I don't know if I should. Maybe he just didn't feel well yesterday and that's why he acted like that. Or he just doesn't like me like everyone else.

The other team has just scored a point and they are running with the ball towards our goal again, so it gets tense. I don't even realise that I am scratching at the bandages. Fortunately, one of our team, I don't know his name yet, takes the ball away from the other team. Then I can calm down again and I see Liam and Niall looking at me, worried. Liam looks down and now I know what it's about. The cuts have opened up again and they have started to bleed. The white bandages and my grey hoodie are now a bit red in some places.

"What happened?" asks Liam.

"Nothing bad happened. Don't worry."

"It looks pretty bad though," says Niall to which Liam nods.

I wanted to think of an excuse but I couldn't think of anything. I'm really bad at lying so I want to suggest we just continue watching the match but it's just done. Our school did win so there is very loud clapping. Everyone is clapping except Liam, Niall and me.

"Come on H. You can tell us anything. We're your friends." says Niall.

I decide to just tell them then. I had promised my mum not to cut and tell them my problems and secrets. I already failed to keep the first promise so at least I will keep the second one.

So I tell them everything. And really everything. Of what happened at my previous school, what happened to my parents, how I felt when Louis acted like that. And something else. That I'm gay. At first I doubted whether I should say it, but it's part of the whole story. That's how it started.

I was scared about how they would react but they were totally fine with it. Niall even thought it was cool to have a 'gay best friend'. When he said that, the atmosphere changed back to a bit less serious.

So I told them that I had cut myself and they wanted to help me not to do it again. I don't know how they want to help me because I've been to many therapists but nothing has ever helped. It got better when we moved, but now that I've done it again it's just hard to stop. Still, I'm very glad that they want to help me and that they haven't started laughing at me or anything. They also promised me not to tell anyone and I believe them.

They are really good friends. Maybe they can still help me a little bit...

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Authors note: We didn't publish yesterday because we went on a picnic and after that we were too tired to publish because we also still had to write half of the chapter so that's why it came a day later. Hope you don't mind. We always try to publish on time but it just wasn't possible so our apologies for that. We also want to say with this chapter that if you are self harming or if you want to talk to someone, you can always go to someone. Talk to an adult, friends, someone at school or work or you can definitely talk to us too. You can always send a message to this Wattpad account or to our Instagram accounts ( onedirection.loverrr or oonee_directionnn). We hope we can help you and also know that self harming is not the solution. I know it can be a relief at the time but it doesn't help. We would love to help you get through it! We're always here for you, no matter where you're from or what language you speak, we'll get through this xx

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