Journal

Mbali

I was given a taste of ambrosia and my mind went blank from pleasure, and suddenly it was ripped from my fragile embrace. I kept on reaching for the semblance of routine I was given, and every time my fingertips grazed the possibility, it was yanked from my sight. I felt like Sisyphus and Tantalus all at once. I kept on trying and pushing to achieve a goal, only to have to start-over, with my goal further from me than before.

It was like the pool of water Tantalus stood in, never able to provide a reprieve for myself. It was neither for my thirst nor my hunger, and neither for my lacklustre energy for life. I was never able to provide a reprieve by drowning myself or reaching for a vine to relieve myself of the breath of life.

It was like the slippery slopes of Sisyphus' hill, I kept trudging and pushing only to slip and spiral out of control. With nothing ever stable enough for me to grip onto, I felt myself slide lower and lower. Clawing at the sides and reaching for a lever of safety, I'm lulled into false sense of hope, clinging onto an offshoot with unmatched fever. Rock bottom always changed, with my foundation never guaranteed, the ground would subside and crumble under my weight.

Now I've learned that stagnancy is the answer to my dilemma. Never moving and therefore never changing. Motionless to the movement of life, my limbs have numbed themselves, starved of movement but healing the wounds that littered them. Starved of the action provided by the struggle but satisfied with the security of the static, my brain failed to created its own engagement and as life moved my mind stayed in a constant state of false security.

I've yet to learn that despite the study substructure, it has yet to have failed me. The higher I climbed, the more acclimatised I was to the new familiar high and each drop down looked strange and untried.

But I'm eager, almost too excited to bear the weight of the people around me and become a bedrock upon which they can build their lives. I want to feel wanted, yet I can't leave neither can I stand nor can I move. I'm filled with this desire to be a shining light, but bedrock doesn't shine, nor can it be seen. I'm filled with a sense of confusion, because I have a lack of direction and no voice to guide