Poems And Thoughts

love is a stupid thing

I don't know how to feel anymore.
I thought it was okay,
I thought it was alright,
But nothing is alright,
And nothing is okay.

All the thoughts rushing through my mind have picked up again,
The screaming is back.
I thought it was over,
I thought it was gone
But it isn't gone and it isn't over.

I love them so much,
And they say they love me too but I know how they feel about the boy,
The boy that I will never be,
Never will I look like him,
Never will I act like him,
Never will I be him.
Never will I be good enough for them.

My heart is breaking into tiny pieces each time I hear his name,
Each time he pops up in conversation.
I wonder if they ever talk about me like that to him?

I can feel the thoughts of self doubt and uncertainty.
Was this the right decision?
Should I end it?
No.
But to which one?

Everything has been eating away at me for what feels like years,
When in actual facts it's been but a few weeks,
Months even.

It isn't the same as it used to be,
It used to be sweet,
It used to be pure,
It used to be love.
However that love no longer feels pure or sweet.

It just feels unrequited,
It feels as if I will always be someone's second choice,
Even if I was the first.

But alas no matter how hard I try,
I cannot find it in me to do anything about it.
Simply because I am afraid.
Afraid of losing them,
Afraid of being alone,
Afraid of being replaced.
However I'm already being replaced,
I already feel alone,
I already feel as if I am loosing them.

I believe myself to be in love with them.
However love is not as one would suspect.
It is not as simple as buying a rose and tossing around empty promises and words.
It is not sweet and colourful.
It is dangerous.

We do not say "rise into love".
It is "falling" because that time you spend falling will eventually end.
And you end up on the concrete floor feeling broken and hurt.