Trust is Dangerous- Russia x Germany

Small People, Big World

I didn't know why I dialled Germany's mobile and told him all of that. Moment of weakness, I guess. I felt really horrible, before, during and after I said that I didn't want to see him anymore. With the stress of seeing my father, him being my professor, him watching me here...it was all too much. I didn't think I could do it all. There were too many secrets, too many unknowns. I thought I could handle it when he was thousands of kilometres away, but with him here, practically breathing down my neck, I didn't think that it would take long for fiery scandals to erupt. I'm sure my father didn't regard Germany as important for me, nor did it help that I read banned books right under his nose. Iceland knew what was going on, but he didn't intervene, support, or question my decision. He just looked on with his scarlet eyes, wanting to say something but holding it in. He wouldn't understand. 

How does it always happen that all of your future hangs by one tiny, incremental moment? It's been like that since the ninth grade, and I've lived like that ever since. Constant, high pressurized stress that if I don't do this right, everything else will go up in flames. I would put on the brave face for the world, appear solemn, and receive my awards with a small smile when others would scream for joy. Little do people know that I am expected to do this. I am expected to be the top. I am expected to have everything in order. With all of those expectations, I create my own roadblocks, my own worries, punishments, high expectations, low gratification. And then people still think I'm a brawny idiot. Many people are still smarter than me, in other fields. In history, literature, the arts, biology. I was one small person in the wide world. I created my own worry, now without my father's intervention. And I suffer my own small consequences. That's what I go to Dr. Austria for. That was my emotional problem.

It was a cheery April morning. It was evident that soon enough it would be May, because many flowers started to bloom fully. All I could do was stare at them, not frowning, but not smiling either. Trapped between total depression and normality.

"Um..." Iceland would always start his sentences like that now. Like he's afraid I might round on him one of these days like a supercell tornado. "...do you want to come down with me, Russia? Or...should I bring something for you, like usual?" He mashed his fingers together, uncertain of what to do. I tried to not show my face around much, since I was worried that Germany might be there. So I sat in the room as much as possible, like a soldier in a trench. The arrangement of him bringing me things started not too long ago, but both of us soon became accustomed to it. Iceland was now used to being an awkward onlooker. It was all part of the Avoidance Plan. I tried to stay away from Germany as much as possible, but it was hard when you sat next to him in a class. He would try to talk, and I would suddenly pretend that I forgot English. And then he would speak German. A few colourful interactions there. And of course, a wildfire of gossip.

"I guess....I'll come with you today." My voice sounded scratchy. From underuse, I supposed. Not only did I stop being social in public, I didn't speak much. Only when I absolutely needed to. Iceland blinked twice, but didn't voice his amazement. The warm air was very nice on my skin, and it finally seemed like winter went into a hibernation of its own. It felt warmer than in the early morning, the time when I ran (to not see anyone, of course,) and you could notice the changes in people's clothing, going from thick fur jackets to waterproof ponchos, and now to short cut windbreakers and long sleeves. We went inside the building, which looked much darker on the inside than usual because they turned off the lights. In a matter of minutes after we sat down and started to eat, I felt someone sit right next to me. I drink want to turn, and I kept on eating.

"Hey," the voice came, which sounded like ice cracking.

"Oh, hi Finland!" Iceland turned to his older brother. "We didn't see you, sorry."

"Mmm, it's fine." He looked down at me with his strange light blue gaze, and I was forced to glare back. I knew he sat down here for a reason. Only a matter of time till he told me. I turned away and started to eat the slices of Orange on my plate when he decided to speak. "I wanted to ask, is it your specialty to leave people without explanations?" His tone wasn't threatening, but he sounded confrontational. I had to snap out of my trance and actually think. What was he talking about? Leave people....oh, yes! He was Germany's flatmate. As soon as that thought entered my head, my heart sunk.