The question is not about where did it happen, but where am I now? I used to think that after you die, you end up either in hell or in heaven. I have been thinking a lot about hell. What is hell? Am I in hell? Is this my hell? Is it hell because I see all of my loved ones suffer? I never got an answer. And even though it pretty feels like it, I don't think I am. I stopped believing in religion and all that stuff. Heaven, hell, it's all the same. I am nowhere, but I'm everywhere. I guess that's why this can't be hell. I can see them. I can be with them. And by them I mean everyone. Mom, dad, Jeongin, Minho, Jisung, Chan, even strangers. The only thing that's horrible about this is, that I'm not able to touch them, or that they can't even see me.
Yet they don't consider me dead in this kind of way, which makes me feel a lot more relieved. They didn't forget me. I had always been afraid to be forgotten by everyone, but seeing my gravestone and all these pictures with all these people and all these flowers makes me aware that they would never. My mom visits me every week and cleans up my grave, decorating it with new flowers. She cries every time. It hurts me, it really does. Especially because I can't tell her I'm right there. But I also feel that certain connection to her when she kneels down by my grave. It appears and tells me that no one could ever give me that feeling but her. No one but mom. Even when I'm invisible, she still is my mom.
What I learned from life? It's cruel. Yet there's so many things that fight this cruelty we experience. Beginning with friends and love and ending with little gestures that make our day. I also believe that people should value what they have more, because they could be having nothing, but they don't. I wish I could give advice to someone. Unfortunately, I can't. Not directly. But I can try to convey my message through my indirect existence. That's all I am there for, I guess. Maybe the dead are supposed to teach the living. I'm right here.
With you.
