Klaus X Ben - Suicidal {The Umbrella Academy}

Thoughts

(CONTAINS PHYSICAL ABUSE AND MENTIONS OF THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE)

3rd.May.2014 - age 24 

He took a shaky breath, lungs tightening as he looked up at the large building that towered over him, oh how he wished he could escape..

The death of Reginald Hargreeves hadn't shocked Klaus, instead more of an exasperated relief. The Seance went through so much pain from the man he was forced to call his father that he tried everything to impress him or even make a little proud but instead he had gotten beaten to the point he didn't want to be alive anymore, trauma pounding against his body as if he were drowning.

The drug addicted boy could remember those times he wished he could be at rest with the other ghosts and he could finally leave the cruel world he was forced into, but then his mind would start to drown itself in thoughts again that if he left, his Ben would never forgive him.

If he left, who would live to do the things Ben always wanted to do but never could? If he left, who would continue to water the plants in the backgarden because they were always Ben's favourite? If he left, how would Klaus be able to stop Ben from blaming it on himself that Klaus had died?..

The fourth child walked quickly into the large building, trying to keep his mind at peace from the place he used to be tortured as a child, the ghost seeing man feeling as if he had no purpose roaming around the hallways of this house, as if it was never his home in the first place and he was a stranger to these walls he grew up with as a toddler.

He wanted to do more, wished he could have done better, but what could that have even been? He had pushed himself to the limits of trying to make his Ben happy when in reality it was him getting beaten everyday just to see a smile form against his brother's lips?

What was that word even? It was foreign to Klaus, the word "brother", a smooth flick of the tongue to form a word that the drug addicted man would use no purpose with when it came to Ben.

It were as if his insides were been torn apart, shredded even, knowing the fact he would have to call Ben that, his Ben, his "brother"..

So many thoughts pilled deep down into the Seance's mind that he hadn't even noticed he had stumbled across the one person he didn't want to meet, not because he didn't like him, he loved him, but it was because he knew that he would hate him, push him away again like every other time till the point where Klaus wanted to leave again, to run away and pretend he was happy in the arms of his beloved, but his beloved despised of him. Ben hated him.

"What are you doing here?" he heard Ben say, Klaus's lips trembling as he tried to open his mouth but nothing came out, instead the feeling of his chest tightening hitting him like rocks in the head, just like when he was bullied as a child for not being "useful" on missions.

"I-I.." he began, trying to utter out anything so he could at least hear the Horror's voice again, even if he were to hear his beloved tell him he hated him again, again. Over and over he would witness pain just so he could hear that voice again.

His Ben.

"Save it" and with that he was gone again, the only thing left filling Klaus's vision of the man he loved was his shadow, slowly slipping from his gaze before completing leaving him alone again.

Klaus wanted to run away and tell him he was sorry, that he didn't mean to do drugs, that he didn't mean to hurt him, that he didn't mean to get Ben killed..

"Why couldn't you have done better?" he whispered to himself, feeling a small lump filling his throat as simple tears glossed over his eyes, just wanting to go. Wanting to let go..

~~~

There he was, outside again in the cold weather where no one but his siblings and "parents" stood, watching from under the dark umbrella the vision of his older brother Luther spilled the remainders of Reginald Hargreeves ashes over the mucky ground, yet Klaus could only see one thing.

Ben.

He couldn't help but keep looking at him till the point his gaze stood out like shining stars as he stared at the asian man that was named his brother, his eyes scanning over every little detail he could see of the other, trying to memorise it all before he would loose him again, knowing it would happen too soon before he ever wanted it to.

He was so caught up in the beauty of the one he wanted to call his own that he hadn't noticed all eyes were on him now, just watching as the Seance stared at his old friend, the only friend he ever had.

"Why are you staring at me?" the words jolted Klaus to notice Ben was looking straight towards him, the ghost seeing man quickly looking away to have a light tint of blush spread across his cheeks, hands starting to shake timidly as he continued to hold his dark umbrella in the chilly weather.

"S-sorry.." was the only words he could utter out before his voice shut down again, his tummy starting to twist a little from embarrassment from the Horror catching him staring once again at him, countless amounts of times Klaus would apologise for staring at the other man before he wouldn't be able to utter out another word again.

They all went back inside to put their umbrella away and then most left, not wanting to be around each other for any longer since all of them saw each other as people they had grown up with and nothing else, never seeing anyone more than just a familiar face from childhood.

But the few that stayed were Klaus and Ben, the Seance wanting nothing more than to just able to stand up for once and talk to the man that had stolen his heart, not having a little care in the world if Ben kept crushing his heart if it meant he would be able to see him one day in the future again.

"B-ben?.." Klaus asked, looking up from his seat on the couch to his brother leaning calmly against the wall, the sight of their gazes meeting sending shivers down the drugged addicted man's spine.

"Well?" he heard his brother utter out in a slightly irritated tone, the Seance feeling his breath shorten at the sight of the Horror cocking his eyebrow sharply at him from inpatience.

"Could we.. M-maybe hang out?.." Klaus began, hands trembling as he tried to be strong for once and ask for what he wanted, and all that he wanted was Ben. His Ben. "L-like old times.."

"What fun did we do as kids?" Ben mumbled as Klaus watched the man cross his arms, the Seance feeling a small burst of happiness loom inside of him from catching the Horror's curiosity yet he also felt his heart crack at the knowledge that his beloved forgot about their fun as children.

"The s-stairs.." Klaus whispered, eyes pleading with want to forget all about the harsh memories when he hurt Ben and go back to when they used to have fun. When they used to love each other.

"Fine". And with that Klaus rushed up to the stairs as quickly as he could, the last thing he could hear was the Horror shouting at him to be careful and not slip before hearing loud running footsteps of his crush following him, the pair about to play their famous tag game on the stairs that they would get told off each time they played.

But did they ever listen? No.

//(look who returned after probably the longest break :b sorry about that also, I didn't have much inspiration for this book or where it could go but I do now so I hope to be posting regularly :). )//