MY FAIR LADY (Author's Reco)

RAINY NIGHTS

JENNIE

Before I settled to bed, I checked my sons first in their room and spent time with them. André loves it when I tell him stories.
Our new home is not too big but it's surely comfy and the interiors help me a lot to calm myself everyday.
My Dad and Mom arrived yesterday to check on me and to spend time with my kids. They are actually planning to migrate here since Dad is retiring. We are planning to put up our own restaurant here.

It's just last week that I shared everything with my parents. When they heard the rumors, Mom immediately called me and Dad insisted to talk to me again when they discussed about it. I feel bad that they are disappointed.

My Dad is so angry with Lisa. He was holding his tears yesterday. He comforted me and assured me that whatever happens, they will make a way to be with me.

I went to my room and still bad memories are crossing on my mind.

I think of Lisa. How she is doing when she's all alone. If she's eating right or probably drinking ubtil she gets drunk at night inside our room again.

I remember the day we got married. It was so beautiful. So beautiful that no one would expect us to be in this situation.

I admit, I am still hurting. But I really want to get back to her. She's my Lisa. I love her so much and I want to spend everyday with her.
But to imagined myself now, living with her every day,
I will only throw her words about the infidelity.
I will only cry and cry and possibly hurt her day by day.

The divorce.

It was not easy for me.
But I also have to think of myself.
I love Lisa, but I have to love myself more.
For my children.
I don't want to stumble in pain because surely it will affect my sons as they grow up.

It's just weird that i still check on Lisa everyday.
I text Jisoo or call her to know how she's doing.
I am no longer responding to Lisa's messages if it's not about the kids.
I am still in contact with Mama Joan to know if Lisa has eaten her dinner or if she's okay.
I still care for her.

I am just afraid one day that this pain will lead me to anger towards Lisa.
Because everyday, this agony is slicing me to pieces.
I want to be whole for my children.

There are days that André looks for Lisa.
It makes me think on how I am going to explain to them what happened to their dada and I as they learn things.
You need to get up and face this reality, Jennie.
You have to make the kids your priority.

About Lisa and I's separation is bawling in the country. Whenever press people encounter us, there was never a time they wouldn't ask.
Most of the time, I would just smile at them or ignore as if I haven't heard the question.

Lisa is also avoiding those questions.
She was actually asked once if it is true that she has a child with another woman.
Jisoo is the one answering the issue and let Lisa be guarded by their men.

So, here I am in bed while it's heavily raining outside. About to sleep but I chose to read a book given to me by Rosé. It's a daily dose of spiritual enlightenment and motivation to go on with life and see each corner of it with hope.
Rosé also invited me lately to their church where she sings during sunday service.
I promised her that once I am free, I will come with her one Sunday.
Right now, my schedule on tapings as judge and mentor on a cooking show and reality singing contest are becoming hectic. On my rest days, I only spend it with my André and Nate.

Love life?

None.
I have no interest on it anymore.
I would rather give all my love to my sons than to someone else for now.
But we'll never know. Maybe one day, I'll wake up and ready to open my heart again.
But not now.
I am so scared of falling in love.
And I will just fool myself to entertain someone while I am still deeply in love with my Lisa.