of coffees, midnights, books, and you

Day 29 (Theme: Dark)

Cigarettes and Regrets

Chaeyoung climbed up using the stairs at the rooftop of their her apartment building. It's a chilly night and it's just 10 in the evening. She decided to just stay there probably until the sun rises and the sadness and loneliness leave her own system. But as of the moment, she wants to be consumed by the darkness and all the uncomfortable feeling it can bring her whole being.

She wants to feel all the pain, all the negative emotions she keeps on hiding for how many hours now, and finally let go of her emotions she has been keeping ever since she met her.

The night breeze makes her tremble as she didn't bother to wear any padded coat, just her thin jacket and clothes. She doesn't care. She just wants to be alone and think of everything that just happened to her, to them.

She took her cigarette pack and cigar lighter from her pocket. It's been a long time she smoked because she keeps on prohibiting her when they were still in a relationship, but since they already broke up, she thinks it's just nice to reunite with her cigarette sticks and precious lighter.

She then opened it and immediately used one stick, carefully putting the fire at the end of the stick because it's breezy. She can tell that she miss everything about smoking because she feels like she can instantly forget about everything and her mind feels like flying, not worrying about the things her heart wants to worry about.

She rapidly finished her first stick and proceeded with the second one. It continued just like that until her fourth stick where she just stares at the dark skies above her, glad that there's no stars visible because she certainly wants to be embraced by the darkness around her.

When she reached for her fifth stick, that's when she started thinking about the girl. She started thinking about the things that happened in their relationship. She started thinking about the things she's regretful for and the memories she wants to forget that reminds her of her and their relationship.

"Myoui Mina"

Mentioning her name gives a tug at her heart. It doesn't feel painful if it was her from 5 years ago mentioning her name, but she's already in the present and she cannot deny the fact that the pain she caused her just a while ago is still fresh and gives a sting in her heart.

On Chaeyoung's fifth stick, she regretted about not giving enough love for Mina.

"I should've expressed my love more through words and actions, then maybe I still have you in my arms"

She thought that maybe if she keeps on saying 'I love you' to her every morning right after they woke up, right before they went into separate ways for work, right after she arrived from her work, right before they get to bed, and whenever she has the chance to say those three words to her, then maybe Mina felt her love for her.

She thought that maybe if she keeps on giving her flowers, giving her gifts even without special occasions and events, showering her with love and affection, cuddling her and hugging her and kissing her, then maybe Mina knew that she loves her so much.

On Chaeyoung's sixth stick, she regretted about not giving enough support and appreciation to Mina.

"I should've supported and appreciated you more in various battles in life"

Chaeyoung admits that she's not always by Mina's side whenever she has ongoing special events in her life like that one time when she got promoted and her company gave her the chance to conduct a team dinner, with her own team. And that one time when she forgot to go to her recognition day as the company's best worker.