coffee breaks

0.2

It was around march when she became much more quiet, she often got confused when a teacher called on her, and she seemed distraught, constantly lost in her head or sleeping on the tables even with the extra sleep she seemed to be getting there were bags under her eyes which were always puffy. I didn't know what was wrong, she didn't say anything whenever they sat together and she usually just sat down and pulled out her headphones with the volume up so loud he could hear her music. He knew the feeling of wanting to drown out everything to make it stop. He had no idea what she was going through but his chest ached for her.

A week or two later she didn't seem as sad anymore, she was angry and annoyed, she lashed out pretty often, did destructive and impulsive things, she walked around without a care in the world getting detention every other day, he rarely saw her in class and when she was there she was a mess, it was after he found out that her parents had been called in that he asked her if she was okay, she just said yeah she was just stressed because of her grades, he saw past that because there had to be more to the story as she was still blasting sad music whenever he saw her but maybe there wasn't and she would be fine. It seemed she was fine because a few days after grades were updated she was back to her usual bubbly giggling mess, not completely, she was still distracted and he didn't know how to help. When they switched seats again in english, they were closer and talked so much their teacher often told them off, they even hung out during their lunch again and she now considered him a friend or at least something like that.

Summer break came along and she isolated herself from her friends as she often did. No one heard from her during that time other than the occasional instagram story. He wasn't worried as he was sure there was nothing wrong because she seemed to be away on trips or with friends so at least she wasn't alone. She would be fine, he was convinced.

August came around and we realized they were in the same classes for almost everything, we went our separate ways whenever I had french and she went to geography and when I had to go to music she would be just a couple of steps away in art. Due to the fact that during some days our last class was art/music we would meet outside their classes and walk down to the entrance together and say goodbye. We did this again whenever we left biology and they decided to stop by the cantine and get a juice box or a lolly pop, they considered each other close friends, they talked in every class and mostly sat together if they could and helped each other, or distracted each other.

One day her walls fell, and she was late to class. 10 minutes late to be precise. I had heard the english teacher call her back at the end of class and as soon as she arrived at computer science, where she sat right in between me and the wall, she began to silently cry. No one else heard of course as the teacher had put on a video about god knows what, and I was too busy thinking about what must've happened in that last class that made her so upset.

I turned her way and saw her face in between her knees, desperately reaching and grasping at her wrist and knees as if she was afraid something was going to hurt her, wanting to keep to herself protected from whatever could break her even more. I could hear the soft mumblings without really knowing what she was whispering to herself. In a desperate move to comfort her and stop her broken whimpers I moved my hand and rubbed her knee. As soon as I did I was afraid. Afraid she would push him off, run away, or cry more. They hadn't talked much just here and there as she stood awkwardly with friends they had in common as they talked so he knew that he could potentially ruin what little progress there had been with their friendship. Then he felt his hand move down slowly as she let her legs go back to the ground.

"What happened?" I asked as there was a silence, she waited and let out a few breaths before sniffling "Its all I have left" she whispered.

Her voice sounded broken but soft, it reminded me of a kid after crying, fragile, sweet even. It gave a subtle shift in her carefully crafted persona and I was glad, glad she was letting me see this side of her. She kept repeating over and over "It's all I have left", I didn't really understand but didn't want to pressure her into talking so I just kept my hand there on her knee in a comforting manner letting her know he was there for her.

She began a minute later "english is all I have left", she took a shaky breath, "I haven't done art in so long, I'm awful at maths and science, I forget grammar rules for spanish. It's the only thing that I was supposed to have left and now I don't know anymore." he noticed how she pulled at her left sleeve and held her wrist close to her chest and collarbone, she continued, "art and english were the only things I ever excelled at and now it seems the only things I had going for me are gone. They're right, everyone is, I'll never be good enough." her voice cracked and a pitiful sob escaped her lips along with a few more stray tears from her eyes, "I'll never be enough for anyone or anything".