Side Effects

two

The covers at the side were made for this story by RenaCWillow, and I honestly love every single one of them! Thank you so much for taking the time to make them for me :)

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"Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep."

Mary Elizabeth Fry.

*

"So how do you feel you're coping, Camilla?

I stared at my therapist, Miss Vaughn, incredulously, unable to form a coherent answer to her question. How was I coping?

It had been a little over four days since I had found the note in my locker, yet it felt as though it was years ago. Time seemed to have lost its hold over me, as I no longer noticed its passing. It seemed as though everything I was doing was monotone, a series of pointless one dimensional actions that would inevitably lead to nothing.

That one little scrap of paper had made me question everything. No matter how many times Olivia tried to convince me that it was merely the work of some sick prankster, I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe, just maybe, there was some truth in what they had written. And if there was, if they were right and I truly didn't know Luther, then what did I know? If I didn't know the boy that I had grown up with, the boy that I had spent almost every waking moment with, the boy that I had shared everything with, then what did I know?

The hardest part was knowing that I would never really be able to find out the truth. Sure, I could probably find out the facts if I looked hard enough; but considering Luther isn't here to defend himself,did I really want to? I knew that before I could do anything I had to answer that question.

But before I could answer that question, I had to answer the one posed by the therapist that the school had assigned to me upon Luther's passing. How did I feel I was coping? I hadn't told her about the note, as that was something that I knew I had to deal with myself, so instead I tried to answer her question as truthfully as possible without mentioning it at all.

"I'm doing okay. I mean it still hurts, and the pain's still fresh, but I'm dealing with it. Luther was a part of me, he was a huge part of my life for years and it's just hard to let go you know? But I'm dealing with it. I'm doing okay."

I didn't need to look up to see the sympathy in her eyes. I knew that she saw me the same way that everyone else did; broken, lost and alone, but the truth was I had always been all those things. It had just been harder to see because Luther had always brought out the best in me, and made people overlook my flaws.

"That's okay. Obviously you're still going to be grieving, and you will be for a while. Pain like that doesn't just disappear but I'm confident that you'll be okay. You just need to find an outlet to help you take your mind off him. Perhaps you could join a sports club, or take up a new hobby? It's good to find something else to focus your attention on."

I briefly contemplated the idea, but found myself dismissing every option that I could think of. I was the type of person that got bored easily, so finding an outlet wasn't as simple for me as just 'taking up a new hobby'. Joining a club just wasn't going to cut it for me.

"I don't know. I don't think something as simple as joining a club will help me let go of him. He was a huge part of my life and I don't think that some as trivial as a new hobby will help me forget that."

The apologetic expression that appeared on her face as I spoke showed that she felt she had offended me. I wanted to speak out and tell her that I didn't mean it like that, that I knew she was just doing her job and that I appreciated that, but she spoke again before I had the chance.

"I'm sorry. It's always harder to find closure when you are as close to someone as you were to Luther. Perhaps there's something else that would help you move on?"

I felt my chest constricting as it always did when I was about to cry. Not trusting myself to speak I merely shrugged in response, lest the tears I was struggling to hold in escaped. The idea of letting go of Luther was harder than the idea of holding on. Because letting go would mean admitting he was gone, and he was never coming back. And while I knew in my head that that was true, my heart still refused to acknowledge it. Just this morning I had received an A in science for the first time this year, and my first thought had been I can't wait to tell Luther. I knew that Miss Vaughn meant well, but I wasn't ready to let go of Luther just yet. And it didn't matter if I joined every extra curricular that our school offered, I still wouldn't be ready.

As if sensing my unwillingness to talk she lowered her voice slightly as she put forward her next suggestion, holding her hands out slightly in front of her, as if she was approaching a wounded animal.

"Did you two make any plans together for Senior Year? It was your last year in high school, surely you had some kind of last hoorah in the works. Isn't that what every kid does nowadays? TPs the principals office on the last day or something?"

I chewed my lip thoughtfully as I mulled over her statement. Oddly enough we hadn't planned 'last hoorah' at all. Usually, if there was pranking to be done Luther and I were at the front of the line, handing out the rolls of toilet paper and the endless supply of water balloons that we would inevitably need. Yet we hadn't put anything remotely close to a prank on our bucket list at all.

The answer hit me as soon as I thought the words. But would finishing our bucket list really help me close a door on this chapter of my life? I mean, we had written it together, and we had had every intention of finishing it together. But I was still unsure as to whether or not it would help me get over Luther, or whether it would drag me further into my refusal to accept that he was truly gone.

But it was my only option.

Taking a deep breath, I opened my mouth and replied, my voice shaking as I did so.

"Well there is one thing."

*

Hi guys!

I'm sorry about the shitty ending, and the fact that all of this is unedited but I wrote it on my iPad, because my laptop has decided to take early retirement. Don't forget to vote and comment your thoughts!