Boys Like You

Chapter 21

Seora walked over to her closet to grab a hoodie, then changed into a pair of leggings and grabbed her slides. She knew that she should've gone to sleep or watched Netflix or something, but she needed to get out and get some air. She felt like she was suffocating in that room. She quietly opened the bedroom door, then crept down the hallway and the stairs to make her way out the front door.

The crisp November sent a chill through her when she first stepped out of the house, but the cool air felt nice against her flushed face. The streetlights outside were a pale yellow color, leaving parts of the sidewalk darker than others as she walked down the block - but she didn't care or even notice really. Her mind was still reeling from the night's events. First the party that was going great until Suho showed up, then her panic attack, and Yoongi. . .

She bit her lip as she felt the guilt surge through her.

After everything she'd said to him - all the arguing, the anger - he tried to help her. She hadn't opened up to anyone the way she had with him in so long and she was terrified.

When she had first moved in, all she wanted was to be as far away from him as possible. The only thing she thought she was in danger of was losing her temper in front of his mother. But caring about him? Letting him into her life the way she had? It wasn't anywhere near her radar. And now she was up contemplating how she'd ended up here; kissing him and immediately kicking herself for it.

Was it just a moment of weakness? If it was, then on whose part? As much as she tried to keep him at a distance, she couldn't help being a little attached. She cared about him, but how deep did that run? Maybe it was just a side-effect of being in an emotional pressure cooker? Part of her thought that he really did want to be there for her but another part of her told her it was all a ploy to trick her into feeling secure. From where she stood, it wasn't such an outlandish idea. She couldn't be sure though and that uncertainty scared her more than anything else.

Whatever happened, stupid was the only word for her actions. Stupid and selfish because this battle raging inside of her between her head and her heart may have just hurt someone else. And she hated herself for that.

She stopped suddenly and turned around to find herself back where she'd started. She didn't want to go inside just yet, but it was bad enough that she'd taken one lap around the neighborhood by herself so late at night, and without her phone, so she settled for staying out on the porch. After walking up the driveway, she settled down and took off her slides so she could bring her feet up as she looked out across the road.

From the swinging loveseat, the streetlights looked far away. The crevices that seperated the sidewalk into blocks looked so small and the cracks were nearly invisible. She thought it was funny how something so chipped and broken could seem so flawless from a distance. Perspective really was everything.

But her moment of serenity was short-lived as her intrusive thoughts weaseled their way back into the front of her mind. She groaned quietly and buried her head in her arms. She wondered what it would be like to not be the way she was. What would she be like if she'd had a loving father? If she'd never been with Suho? Would she still be this scared, defensive, self-loathing girl? Or would she be more open, more sure of herself and her feelings?

She almost laughed at the thought of it and shooed it away because she'd never know anyway.

As she sat on the porch, swinging slowly in the loveseat, her mind continued to wander in the same downward spiral. Guilt and fear ate away at her. She was so busy fighting with herself, trying to make sense of it all, that she wasn't aware of how much time was passing. Hours went by and she didn't notice a thing until well after the Sun had broken the horizon.