Kabanata 7
Problematic
"Grandma, are you alright?" tanong ko sa hindi na mabilang na beses.
"Yes, hija," she answered quietly.
Binuka niya ang isa niyang braso, senyales na gusto niya akong maupo sa kaniyang tabi. I obliged. She was hugging me while we're here on the far corner, looking at Daddy's coffin in the middle. It's been days and this is the last time he'd be here in the chapel.
"Bakit po hindi kayo sa harap? You haven't... gone to Daddy, too." Nag-alangan ako noong una ngunit tinuloy ko pa rin.
Dumating sila nina Ate Vanalein noong isang araw. Alaric drove for them. Grandma cried to us the moment she arrived, but she never went to Daddy even to take a peek. Nasa malayo siya kahit ilang araw na ang nakalipas.
"I hate to see him inside that thing." Again, she shed a tear. Gustong magsisi sa ginawa pero naisip kong karapatan naman niya iyon. Daddy's her son.
Yumakap na lang ako kay Grandma. Grandpa, meanwhile, is currently talking to some of our family friends and business associates. I don't know most of them. Pero nandito sina Lola Hariet at ang ibang Escovar. The Montealegre boys are the ones making them company.
"I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you will look at him. Mourn that way, Grandma," I suggested.
"You know, Crescent, when you're a mother, the last thing you would want to see is the dead body of your child," nabasag ang kaniyang boses.
Tumagos ang sakit ng kaniyang mga salita sa akin. My father is her first born. It must've shocked her more than she could take. I wonder how her feelings will be healed. At kung paanong dadali iyon sa kabila ng mahirap na sitwasyong ito.
"I just hate it that his life ended prior to mine."
"Grandma..."
"Ako dapat, hija. Ako dapat ang nandoon at hindi siya. Why did he have to go first?"
I caressed her back to at least soothe her. I don't know what to say. I'm not in the position to suggest more. Dahil hindi ko alam ang kaniyang paghihirap. Sometimes, lending my ears and not saying anything can help more.
She poured her pain on me. Cried, cried, and cried. Nasasaktan din ako habang paulit-ulit na napapatunayan na wala na nga si Daddy. But since my grandmother needs someone to be strong for her, I'll act on it. I have to control my emotions and mourn in silence.
Mommy's eyes were on us. Natagpuan ko ang kaniyang tingin sa may unahan. She looked worried. I haven't talked to her and she won't talk to me, too. Kataka-taka iyon pero naisip kong baka ayaw niyang mabuking kaya hindi siya nagsasalita.
Does my grandmother know? Kung malalaman niya kaya ay magagalit siya at mas masasaktan? She didn't talk ill of my mother yet. I haven't heard her say things about my mother. Kung ganoon, hindi ako magsasalita dahil kahit ang hindi palasinungaling na si Kuya Eulyses, tikom din ang bibig.
Kating-kati na akong makausap si Mommy patungkol sa nangyari. She doesn't look guilty. Well, at least how I perceive it. Pero sa sitwasyon ngayon, hindi ako napagbibigyan. Ano nga rin bang karapatan kong magsimula ng komprotasyon kung ganito na ang nangyayari?
I don't want to act irrationally. Daddy will understand. I still stand by my speculations about my mother. I still question why they fought that night. Gusto ko na ring ihanda ang sarili ko sa posibilidad na baka dahil sa akin, pero hindi pa rin ako sigurado kung kaya kong tanggapin kung malalaman ko na.
Kuya Ram went to us to give bottled water and sandwiches. He looked normal, like he didn't leave on the first day of the burial. Palagi ko na rin naman siyang nakikita kaya hindi na ako umimik.
