Agonized

Fine

10 years ago, 
I would've never imagined what I'd be doing to myself now.
Not even 5 years ago.
I didn't even know about these disorders
and illnesses.
I did not know the word "depression."
Or the word "suicidal."
I did not know what cutting was.
I did not know purging, bulimia, anorexia.
I did not know that razor blades could be used for more than shaving.

But now.
Now that I've struggled with my disorders for 3 years.
I know that depression is such an awful feeling.
That it doesn't simply go away like sadness does.

I know what it is like to be suicidal,
and I also know what it is like to have attempted.
Not just once, but three times.

I know what cutting is, now.
All too well.
It started off small.
15 little cat scratches that seemed like nothing.
That small number soon grew.
25, 50, 170.
500.
It was never enough for me.
That bad habit sent me to the hospital once.
6 staples for 2 weeks.
But a scar that will last a lifetime.

I know purging, bulimia, and anorexia.
I've experienced purging firsthand.
Every year,
I try throwing up the calories.
As if it would help me lose weight.
But it never does.

I know that razor blades are no longer just for shaving.
I know they can make perfectly parallel lines in my skin.
They can make thin, shallow slices into me.
But they can also go deeper, and split me apart.
And they can leave hundreds, thousands of scars.

And all of this?
I know I can hide it all with one simple line.
"I'm fine."