His Desire- ᴇʀᴇɴ ᴊᴀᴇɢᴇʀ

Chapter 4

A loud beeping noise abruptly wakes you up. You reach out to your side and grab your phone from your desk, turn off your alarm, and check the time. It's 7:30 p.m., which means you only have an hour until the party. You got a good two hours of sleep. Which was much needed considering you'd probably fall asleep at the party if you hadn't gotten some sleep. You had a feeling that tonight was going to be a long night and that you would need all the energy you could get.

You jump out of bed and head straight for the shower. You turned the water almost all the way up to hot. You enjoy the sensation of hot water on your skin. It's calming and feels like a warm wet blanket. Even if you knew it wasn't good for you, you'd spend an average of 45 minutes in the shower. But you could only take a 15-minute shower because you don't have much time.

You get out of the shower and stand before your foggy mirror. You take a look at yourself and the mirror and feel the urge to cry. You hated how you look, no matter how many people tell you you're pretty you could never make yourself believe it. You felt pretty sometimes but other times you couldn't bear to look at yourself.

You hated how insecure you were... about everything. You would look at models on Instagram and wish you looked like them. You stare at your body, wanting to cry even more. You wish you were born more beautiful and that you had a better body because life would be easier. You tried everything you could to see the beauty in yourself, but you couldn't.

You wish you were more attractive so that boys would look at you the way you wanted them to. You hated admitting that a big part of you craved validation... from guys. Compliments from other girls were nice, but they didn't feel the same as when men did it. Girls seem to see beauty in everything and have a greater appreciation for the small things. They tend to find any and everything beautiful, but if everything's beautiful just how special can you be?

Men tend to have a more superficial view of beauty. It isn't as appreciative as some women's perceptions of beauty. You had the impression that you were the type of pretty that only women found attractive, and as much as you hated to admit it, you wished you were the type of pretty that boys liked. You thought it was pathetic to crave male validation so much. You despised men but yearned for one to appreciate you.

It was truly pathetic of you. You were utterly pathetic. That's all you've ever been told all your life, that you were pathetic, by your parents... by Eren. Those people are the primary reason you will never be able to love yourself. Your mother actually tried to get you to see a therapist in an attempt to help better yourself.

In a way, it was her way of showing you she cared. But you didn't want to share your feelings with a stranger... You desired to talk with your mother. You wanted your mother to be like the other mothers and tell you that you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. But she never did, not once.

Carla, on the other hand, was a beautiful soul. She was always complimenting you on your appearance and making you feel loved and important. Eren was extremely fortunate to have had such a mother. You missed her. She was like a mother to you, she practically raised you. You'd give anything to have her as your mother or at the very least good parents. No child should have to grow up without parental love.

You wonder the type of person you would be if you had a better childhood. Would you be this really confident person that could love herself and was loved by everyone else? You envied girls who were confident and outgoing. Maybe if you were like them you could finally get a guy to want and care for you the way so desperately wanted.

You sigh, taking one last good look at yourself in the mirror before heading out of the bathroom. You hated how depressed you made yourself. You weren't really in the mood anymore for a party but too many people were expecting you to come.