Undesirable #1

Potterwatch: Password: Longbottom

"Hello, folks, this is River, calling in from - well, somewhere in the northern hemisphere. Let's not make it too easy for old corpse-face, right?
"I am pleased to report that I am still alive and have high hopes for many of my co-stars. Unfortunately, our regulars are unable to be with us tonight, but we do have a new correspondent. Ladies, gentlemen, and Weasleys, allow me to introduce Rightheart!"
"Rightheart?" a dreamy voice questioned.
"It's your codename."
"Why do we need codenames? They already know we're on Harry's side."
"Er . . . Because they're cool?"
"Oh." There was a thoughtful pause. "I don't really have much experience with 'cool'. But if codenames are, why didn't people use them back at school?"
Another pause. "It's complicated. Anyway, Rightheart, let's move on. I hear you've got a report for us?"
"Yes, but it's very depressing. Are you sure you wouldn't rather hear about Nargles instead?"
"What are - never mind. Just give the report."
"All right. It was a very beautiful day. I remember there was a cloud that reminded me of Dobby - "
There were a few brief sounds that might have been a microphone being stolen. "To cut a long story short, folks, Hogsmeade has been all but obliterated. So far, reported deaths include Madame Rosmerta, Aberforth Dumbledore, Alistair Crumblewith . . . "
The list went on for quite some time.
" . . . and in a casualty no one was expecting, it seems Peeves the Poltergeist has been exorcised.
"If you have any more information, we urge you to come forward. Let's have a moment of silence for those who gave their lives resisting You-Know-Who."
It passed. "In better news, a surprising number of Deatheaters are rumored to have broken into highly painful boils that even St. Mungo's is at a loss to cure. Rumors that You-Know-Who has also been affected are highly unlikely but admittedly amusing, so we can keep our fingers crossed. Good work, whoever you are, although to be honest, I think we all know. I'm sure somewhere, Peeves is laughing right now.
"Speaking of rumors, I'm glad to say Harry Potter is still alive, still free, and still fighting, despite all rumors to the contrary. For evidence, just check the wanted posters. I recommend getting your hands on as many as you can; I suspect they'll be collector's items when all this is over.
"I'm also glad to report that Braveheart will soon be distributing new issues of the Quibbler - " The shrieks of a Caterwauling Charm interrupted him.
"Right, folks, seems those charming Deatheaters are once again requesting the pleasure of my company, so we've got to fly. Next password will be "Creevey". Stay safe, stay free, and keep fighting!"