INSECURITY - A Trailcutter One Shot [COMPLETED]

INSECURITY

I've been in bed for the past two solar cycles.

Blame it on sadness or disappointment or, hell, even fear, and I would say that you were absolutely correct. What good is showing myself to the world if I am upset with how I carry myself or how I look? I am better hidden away in my quarters, just recharging constantly, sucking up all the energon. It seems that is the only think a big guy like me is good for, anyways. I'm not agile like Drift or intelligent like Chromedome; I'm just Trailcutter, the "forcefield guy".

Yeah, tons of folks think that my ability is a grand gift. I agree, but they don't comprehend it from my perspective. It's like the kid in Academy who is brilliant in mathematics. When the professor calls for group work, who is everyone going to rush towards? Exactly, the genius kid. His ability is utilized by the others to benefit them and make the work easier. They didn't want to join forces because they wanted to befriend him; all they wanted was his talent. And that's what my forcefield feels like. It is what people expect of me. That and being the local drunk.

I wish I could be more like Brainstorm, who doesn't partake in excessive drinking because he likes the feeling of being "in his own mind". He doesn't mind people who do enjoy substances, but he himself just enjoys living as himself and being stable. The thing is, when I get closer and closer to complete connection with reality, all my faults come rushing to the forefront. Why mope about when you can just guzzle some energon and it's all gone?

Call me pathetic. I don't care.

To me, those who are pathetic are people who are insecure and take it out on others. I despise those that use their words and actions to make others feel bad because they themselves are disappointed with what they have turned out to be. Those are the real losers.

I've sat down with Rung before during the Lost Light's voyage, and he listened intently to my feelings. He brought up this thing called "The Spotlight Effect". I think that's what it was called. Anyways, the Spotlight Effect refers to when an individual constantly feels that everyone is watching them, causing the said individual to be very conscious about themselves. That resonated deeply with me. Even when I am alone at the bar, I feel like eyes are pinned on me, judging me for my dependence on hard energon.

And the only way to reverse the phenomenon is to just stop caring.

But not like how Whirl doesn't give a damn. He's selfish, and that's not what I am talking about. I mean to just stop considering what others might be thinking about you. Stop assuming someone hates you because they kinda gave you a nasty look that when you think about it later, it wasn't really a negative expression at all. Trust me, if you are a kind, gentle person, people are gonna like you. And I consider myself to be that way. People don't want me for my forcefield; they want Trailcutter, the soft Autobot who likes to help the team.

That's what Optimus told me I was. He said that I was pivotal to the Autobot's success because I was me, not my ability. A Prime said that about me. Why didn't I remember that until now?

I curled up tighter on my bed, trying to sort through my breakthrough, as someone entered the darkened bedroom. Two people, actually.

"He's been in here forever," Whirl said, and I could see him waggling his arm at me via his shadow on the wall.

"How long? A numeric value," Ratchet replied.

"52 hours," Whirl griped. "He's got the big sad."

"Oh. Trailcutter, are you awake?" Ratchet called.

I bit my lip, unsure if I wanted to respond. "Yes."

"Okay. Do you feel well enough to go to Rung's quarters? We can get him to come here if you want."

"No, I can walk." I lifted my upper body off the bed and unhooked my charger before looking to Whirl with dulled optics. I probably looked horrendous.

Whirl crept towards me, his claws slowly closing as he looked upon my face. "Trail, what's wrong?"

Ratchet shoved him aside and helped me to my feet, which were weak and trembling from the sudden weight put onto them. "Whirl, he needs to talk to Rung, not you."

"Bah! I'm his friend-"

"Like you've ever given him good advise!" Ratchet snapped before guiding me out the door.

I gazed sadly back at my comrade, and we both knew that the medic was terribly wrong. Whirl was the only person, except Rung, that has ever given me a boost in confidence. He got me to change my name and showed me how to stand up for myself, and that allowed for me to save the Lost Light when Lockdown arrived. Yes, Whirl is very toxic sometimes, but he has an abundance of confidence that he isn't afraid to hand out. But I know that I will need aid from someone like Rung who is trained to heal people like me.

And I know it will all be well in the end.