Drawing Soldiers

Chapter Eight

"You know you'll be driving right?" I ask Jayden who was downing his fourth beer, we'd decided on a small mexican place in town. Jayden had a navy blue button down shirt, black jeans and some Vans on while I did as asked.

"Im always driving." He smiled at me before stuffing a taco in his mouth biting off half the thing.

"Why did you join?" The question was out my mouth before i could think how to form the words, his eyes snapped up to mine and he held them there while he chewed and swallowed his food. He tilted his beer again taking a big gulp and only then did he look away.

"What do you mean?"

"Well you dont have to answer the question if it makes you uncomfortable or if the topic is just not one you like to discuss but whats the reason for you're enlistment?" He chuckled for a second and i couldn't place the sound as amused or bitter, it was just a dry chuckle as if he was preparing himself for what ever it was that was coming next.

"There really wasnt just one. There were many, I was a foster kid with nowhere to go. I needed money. I was angry at the world. I couldn't find a place that would hire me. School wasnt an option and i had no help. Then i walk by the reclutment office in town and one of the employees saw me, we had a conversation and my mind was made up. If I died I had nothing to loose no one would grieve me but if I survived I would have options." He shrugged his shoulders and glanced up at me before lifting a taco and bitting into it.

I watched him chew, swalow and then wipe his mouth clean with a napkin. "I just never thought about making it out injured." His shoulders shrugg and his hands move from the table to his lap.

"Atleast your alive."

"Am I really?" He looks up at me with a small smile on his face but his eyes tell a different storie. His broken, but so am I.

"You sure are. I wouldn't be here if you weren't." And it was true, the support hi's provided me. The friendship we've grown into. The conversations, games, jokes. I wouldn't have kept up with my therapy or wouldn't have been strong enough to stick to my decision of working on myself if it wasnt for him.

The rest of the night flows easily, we get to know eachother more and when its time to go home we load outself into my car and head out.

"So, what got you into art?" Jayden questions while lowering the volume on the radio.

"Well I started because I could express my feelings better with colors. But ofcourse I was in elementary school and my dad had just left again so I dont think it counts. In middle school I learned to sketch out my surroundings, I wasnt really good with faces but everything else was easy so I started drawing the world how I saw it at the time. Ugly, lonely, cold.

  But then I learned to sketch people, to interpret their emotions and thats when I saw it, in some way we're all fucked up. And I'm not ashamed to admit that that's the reason I fell in love with art."

"So Anger." I look over at him not understanding what he meant. "Pain got you into art. You started in elementary school because you could express yourself. Or your pain."

I didnt answer because he was right, i started because I missed my father and it spiraled from there.

"Or maybe it was Love" he continued I wanted to look at him for more then just a glance, to really look at him he sounded like he was really intrested, his tone had not an once of sarcasm. "We tend to confuse the too when we're hurting, maybe back then you thought the reason was the fact that he left when in reality it was the fact that you missed him?"

"Its the same thing." I answer while once again focusing on the road, yes i loved my father but I hated that his career always came first, that he could leave for months and not shed a tear for us. I hated that he missed most of our birthdays, achievements and most importantly I hated that he wasn't there when everything happend with mom, when she decided to leave. But I still loved him, because when he was around he was the perfect dad he loved them with all his heart but he loved his profession with his soul. And nothing was stronger then the call to ones soul.

"Its not, they go hand in hand and interwine but they arent the same thing. You can be angry at some one you love but you cant love something that only bring you anger. Its confusing I know belive me but its the truth." The rest of the drive was done in comfortable silence, the stereo played silently in the background but she couldn't focuse on the words of the song playing her mind could do nothing but keep repeating the last few words spoken by Jayden.

Was he right? Had she been confused with her feeling this whole time? Had she been looking at things the wrong way. She had the basics done she loved and hated her father for many reasons but at the end of the day she truly loved him. Was her anger or sadness clouding her judgment was she being to hard on herself for feeling this way when it was only natural?

Sure his career brought on her anxiety but didnt her relationship with her mom do the same thing? Shed have to really think about it all when she had the time but right now she was in the company of a brave, smart and handsome man who was trying to help her out of the funk she was in so for now she decided to shelf the subject and enjoy the rest of the evening. "So what now?"

"Back home, Amanda is expecting us."

I know its been a long while guys, hopefully you havent given up on this story, a lot has happend in my life lately and in all honesty I had lost all inspiration for this story but im back and hopefully will finish it soon.