Ooopsie Daisy

No Number of Flannels Can Turn You Gay

Sam Winchester was tired of being treated like a secondary character. Every morning, he woke up in the same dirty motel room in the Middle of Nowhere, USA, and every morning he rolled over and found that his brother Dean was gone.

    Dean had been going missing a lot lately, and it was really starting to get on Sam's nerves. He thought it was because he had started meeting with Castiel in secret. Sam kept pretending not to notice and tried to keep to himself by doing research and reading, but he could hear Dean praying to Castiel every night in the next room. At first, he felt bad because he kept praying that Sam would be protected, but then the prayers began to get a little more... interesting.

    Sam shook his head with a shudder and rolled out of bed. Best not to disclose such things to an innocent reader. He had to admit though, he was jealous of Castiel. It seemed like every time Castiel was around, Sam wasn't important anymore. When they got into a fight with anyone, Dean would jump in front of Castiel first to protect him. But maybe that was because no one really went after Sam.
   
    Just last night, Sam, Dean, Cas had gotten into a fight with Crowley outside of the local preschool. Crowley was too busy yelling at Cas about finding the angel tablet, Cas was too busy yelling at Crowley, and Dean was too busy making intense sexual eye contact with both of them. They didn't even make room for Sam to join in their triangle of conversation. In fact, when Dean and Cas saw Crowley they both jumped out of the car and Dean locked it with Sam still inside. Sam had to use one of the bobby pins he kept for his hair in the pocket of his third flannel to hotwire the Impala and escape before he died of heatstroke.

    He was about to storm up to Dean to tell him that it was so hot in that car that he had to take off two of his flannels and he only had four left still on him, leaving him dangerously exposed and looking only like a poser lumberjack instead of a real one. He tapped Dean on the shoulder with the tip of his pistol but Dean's eye contact with Castiel was so intense in that moment that Dean was astral projecting into another plane where he and Cas were making out in matching maid outfits with cat ears. Kind of like that sexy dog girl that they met, but if the dog was a cat and a man/angel with a direct connection to God.

    The eye contact was so intense that even Sam could see this sexy cat maid universe, so he choked back the bile that had crawled up his throat and walked to the other side of the preschool to sit on the playground swingset. There were two teenagers there hitting mango Juul™ pods and sitting on the swings, but Sam simply shot two shots out of his gun above their heads and watched them run away sobbing and screaming in terror. He noticed they had dropped their Juul™ on the ground and picked it up, easing himself into the gentle curve of the swing seat. He brought it up to his lips to take a hit, but he sucked in so much vape that he immediately dropped it back on the ground and coughed up mango-flavored smoke for the next five minutes.

    Sam was now standing in the bathroom of the motel and shook his head at the reflection he saw in the mirror, remembering how that Juul fucked his lungs up more than being possessed by Satan ever could. He tried to fix up his hair, brushing out his mutton chops and straightening his middle part, making himself look like as much of a founding father as he possibly could. He then began to put on his flannels in this specific order:
    Layer 1: red flannel with black stripes. Black, wide buttons.
    Layer 2: orange flannel with green stripes. Beige buttons, smaller than the buttons on the red one.
    Layer 3: yellow flannel with black stripes. Black buttons the same as the first one.
    Layer 4: green flannel with blue stripes. Small, white buttons.
    Layer 5: blue flannel with purple stripes. Green buttons. Sam didn't like this one, he felt the colors clashed too much.
    Layer 6: purple flannel with red stripes. Black buttons, yet again.
    Sam knew the colors didn't go well together, but he wanted to start wearing rainbow flannel. Dean thought it was Sam's way of being supportive of his relationship to Castiel, but really Sam was hoping that it would make him look gay so maybe people would finally start liking him as much as his brother. Sam splashed his face with cold water and his sigh echoed off the walls of the bathroom.

    Suddenly, Sam jolted upright. He had an idea. If people liked Dean for having a homosexual relationship with a religious deity, then maybe he could have one too. Cas may be taken, but Crowley was wide open. Plus, Crowley had a British accent. That was sexy, right? Right? Sam wasn't sure how to pray to the King of Hell, so he laid himself down on the floor and got as low as he could,
   
    "C-Crowley?" he muttered. "It's me, uh, Sam. Listen, if you ever want to get dinner sometime-"

    Suddenly, the Impala came crashing through the bathroom wall but it had no driver. Attached to the dashboard was a small post-it note in Dean's messy handwriting. "Meet me at the gas station."
   
    Sam groaned and got up off the floor. "It's MY introduction chapter and it ends with my brother getting all the attention, right. No one ever cares to hear about what happens to me." Sam wiped a tear from his cheek.

    "Fine, let's go see what he wants."