She wonders what everyone thinks about in this place. She read on social media that everyone thinks of different scenarios, even ones that are completely unreal. She wonders if those people even realize that what they are thinking about is also absurd. If they even realize that what they're thinking about will never happen. That not even another universe will that reality ever happen. Those thoughts were absurd.
Some people think of their relationships when they hear a song that reflects heartbreak or love. But some think of their past and it makes her wonder why? Why in such a weird place? She understands 3 AM thoughts but shower thoughts? It drives her mad how people can take hours upon hours in a place where they drown (figuratively and literally) in their past and then wonder why they are so fucked up in the head.
What does she think of? If she's so judgemental of people thinking of past mistakes, what does she think of?
Well she stands there underneath an old shower head that is as old as her Ma. So she doesn't think much. At least that's what she hopes, from the looks of it she thought a lot. So much so that headaches were becoming the new norm for her. Headaches that made her want to lay down and sleep till it was gone. And if she was lucky enough she wouldn't wake up from that sleep. Yeah, those kinds of thoughts consume her almost every day.
She sighs as she looks down at her toes that are already underneath almost a couple centimeters of cold water, Ma forgot to pay the water bill again. A thought that made her clench her fists. She wonders when she'll remember that hot water is an important need for her. She could feel heat run through her veins, cold water now turning hot for her. She likes the way it feels on her body especially when it's turned to its maximum potential. Something that brought her comfort, something that could take away her thoughts. But like Ma said she needs to stop being so hot headed.
And maybe some cold water can help with that. But from the looks of everything cold water seems to occupy her mind with thoughts. Something that she's trying so hard to avoid, something that she doesn't want to get into. She sighs as she looks at the palms of her hands seeing how the cold water had affected her skin. She closes her eyes as she starts to take deep breaths hoping in some way she could calm her thoughts, but then she sees something behind her eyes that made her smile.
I think about love.
Sad, huh? She thinks about an emotion that everyone feels someday in their entire lifetime. An emotion that everyone wants to feel. An emotion that not a lot of people are a fan of. An emotion that no matter how many people say they will never feel it again, they run back to that feeling once again. An emotion she doesn't want. An emotion that she doesn't need. An emotion that she so desperately hates.
Ma said once that the man she brought to her parents' dinner table would be the man she married and well she wants to go back and tell her to never bring that man to her parents' dinner table. Because now she stands underneath this shower head and wonders where did that man go? Where did the man that promised to never let tears fall down Ma's face go? Where did the man that promised he would stay no matter how hard the world gets go? Where did he go?
Because he's not here. Not where he should be. Not where Ma wants him to be. He was here one day and the next he was gone. Ma for the first time let tears fall down her face. Tears that she managed to see every time she came home from school. Tears that have managed to go away as well. Because Ma accepted that she'll never love again. That feeling hurt her, and she doesn't want to be hurt again.
She opens her eyes as she looks to the wall scattered with water droplets. She clenches her jaw as the thought of her dad passes through her mind. Not that she would care about her dad, she stopped caring the moment she stopped looking for him. Well Ma told her she should stop, that it was a waste of time to look for a man who clearly did not care for the both of them. So she did. Why deny the woman who has done nothing but take care of her? Love her? Protect her? Accept her? Support her?
Not me.
She sighs as she knows she needs to go back to a happy place. The way her fists were lifting themselves up ready to strike at the wall in front of her made her uneasy. So she takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, and runs around her brain hoping for something to pop up and distract her from this anger that was slowly trying to show itself. Once again that small smile started to show on her face again.
I think about Lisa.
Lisa, the girl next door. The girl everyone wants to be. The girl everyone wants. The girl everyone tries to get with. The girl everyone tries to destroy. She chuckles every time she thinks about those people who try. They truly try hard to get her attention, that is how desperate they are for the girl. The girl who just so happens to live next door to her. But she'll never notice that fact. Nor will she ever notice her.
To her, she's just the girl she wants to talk to and get to know but Ma says Lisa would never give her the time or day. She wonders how she would have reacted if she told her that Lisa sits next to her in English class. Would she still say that Lisa would never give her the time or day? She wonders how she would have reacted if she told her that Lisa lives next door to them. Would she still say that Lisa would never give me the time or day?
Something she noticed very recently was that Lisa has a nice smile. She smiles at the thought of seeing her smile. She even smiled at her once. She smiles widely just thinking about it, she wonders if that's what love feels like. Just thinking about something so simple and just smiling at the thought of it.
Smiling like an idiot.
Something she also noticed was that she comes to the grocery store every Saturday to pick up groceries for her family. She would know because she tends to go to her checkout lane. She shops at the same shitty grocery store she just so happens to work at. Coincidence? She likes to think not but as Ma's words run through her head again. It was clearly a coincidence. And even if the line is long she still manages to wait. She wonders why, but then again it's probably because the other boys and girls would just plain out disrespect her.
She doesn't deserve that. Those people clearly didn't know anything about Lisa. All they cared about was humiliating her or getting inside her pants. And just like Ma who didn't deserve a man who left her without saying a word to her about it. Lisa didn't deserve that type of stuff from anyone. She truly didn't deserve any of that.
She opens her eyes as she hears loud knocking on the bathroom door, it was time to get out. She sighs as she turns off the shower and steps out letting the mat underneath her feet start to soak all the water that was running down her legs. She grabs her towel drying off her hair and looks into the mirror giving it a forced wide smile. She wonders if the mirror had any emotions would it break as she showed it her smile or would it stay in tact? She chuckles as she looks down at her feet remembering that tomorrow was Saturday.
She looks back into the mirror as she once again showed it a much more genuine smile. Maybe she'll talk to her tomorrow, that's if she stays in her line, that's if she ever shows up, that's if she even tries to talk to her - she shook her head as she took a deep breath not wanting negativity to consume her brain. She looks at the mirror once again as she gives it a slight nod almost as if they both were agreeing that she needs to think positively in order for her wishes to become true. She might just start a conversation with her. No, she will start a conversation with her. Whether she likes it or not. She will talk to Lalisa Manoban tomorrow.
Yeah, Saturday might just become my favorite day.
---
we love a restart.
- noah :)
