Caught In The Moment

one - the fears that control me

I'm just going to point out that this is my first book on wattpad. It is nowhere near complete. Please read and comment and vote if you like it. I have worked really hard to think of plot and characters.

(Just to let you know, I have redone this chapter and I hope it is better now)

steph xxx

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The cascading shadows that the sunlight brings into my room is amazing. I've never seen anything like it. But I guess I'm probably dreaming still. Only in my dreams are the happy moments. The happy endings.

In reality it is the opposite. There is nothing happy about my life.

Nothing.

I don't like to catergorize myself, but I'm sure nobody else cares. I've heard them call me 'nerd' and 'teacher's pet' but most of the time I ignore it. However, every once in a while, it gets to me. It starts to tear away my layer of confidence, and my lonely miserable self comes shining through. 

It's only because I try to do my best, I try to please someone in life, and I wear clothes from second-hand stores. I don't believe any of these things are wrong or make everyone better than me. And I don't understand why other people think those things.

It seems like I'm that one person in the school halls who can get bullied without anyone noticing, or even caring.

I just try to be myself, like everyone tells me to be. And I still get used as bait for bullies.

But no one wants to hear my point of view or my story. Because I'm the lonely girl without social networking, let alone a social life. I don't wear designer brands so I am nobody. That's what they think.

Why? Why is life so unfair? And why don't people understand? And why can't I be like every other normal girl?

Some people would answer, "It's life. Deal with it."

Others, "You weren't born to be accepted. You'll always lonely."

My parents, "You are beautiful just the way you are. You are an intelligent, well-mannered young lady."

The minority, "You don't need to change, you are yourself and people should learn to accept that."

My reply to all of those comments, "I hate life! I was born to be anything I want to! I'm not beautiful but I am smart so that equals what everyone calls me; a nerd. No one will accept people these days until they wear some sort of clothing or act a certain way!"

But I'm not strong enough to talk back to anyone. Not even my parents or my little brothers.

So I guess that is life, isn't it? The funny way of making something deceived as beautiful but can be deadly and harmful. Take a rose for instance. At first glance it is pure, beautiful, elegant but when you search a little bit deeper you find the thorns - the insecurities. I can't seem to stop finding that in people I meet.

Everyone I meet has something about them that I dislike. It may be something small like the placement of a piercing or a lisp. But it can something big like smoking. Whatever it may be, I can't stand being with that person for longer than I need to.

I want to live a normal life. I want to be the girl who gets the boys attention; even if it was only for a second. I want to put on a piece of clothing and look at myself and say, "That looks pretty on me." But I can't. And I never will.

I guess that it just the way of life. Some people get chosen and others don't. Some get chosen for beauty, others for intelligence, others for physical activities, and the leftovers. Some would say I am in the intelligent group but I disagree. Getting good grades when having my name forgotten in a group, puts me into the leftovers.

And who wants to be a leftover?  Nobody? Obviously. And I don't want to be one. I never have wanted to. But I've been 'left over' from all the groups. So that's where it leaves me. Alone. And cold.

Just like I am right now. I'm alone and cold in my claustrophobic room, the white walls surrounding. The plain white quilt on the bed, the light wooden bed frame and bookshelf, and the white curtains which I stare out of. There is only one hint of colour, blue. It coats the small mirror frame I hang above my drawers. And some of my books have blue and yellow and even green on the covers, except most of them are hues of grey.

The real colours are outside, the green of the plants, the red and pink and yellow of the flowers. The shades and hues or bright colours look appealing. Look beautiful. Even the shine from the wet grass shimmers from the sun makes me smile. I want to run outside and have my feet on it. Except I know I can't. If it rains. It it does. Then I don't know what I'd do. And the fact that everyone could see me, could hear me. That scares me too. It's the mixture of fear that stops me from doing the most simple things in life.

I look out at the sun shining brightly through the curtains. So this isn't a dream. Something in my life is actually beautiful. Something is worth waking up every morning to see. I haven't felt like this for a long time now. Ever since that incident with him. The one I can't even muster enough strength to think of. At least not now. Not soon.

At least for now, I have exams in the week and since I can't find anything better to do - I should start on my study.

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And please keep reading. Don't stop yet. I swear, it will get better as I go along. My writing will improve and the story line will get more exciting, dramatic, romantic, etc. just please keep reading! If you wanna jump right into the action then chapter 4 and 5 is where you want to go. Hopefully this encouraged you to keep reading.