Caught In The Moment

seven - returning the gesture met with a cheeky grin

It has been a few days since that day. I'm sure you know what day I'm talking about. In between then I have been staying at home, reading books, and applying for a job. Mum said it would be good for me to become more independent by earning my own money and spend some time out of the house. I guess I have been inside for most of my time. I always have. I just have no desire to go outside. It always rains here - in England - that is.

I thought I was over my fear of water but I tried going outside in the rain and my body took over. I ran inside without meaning to. I think it only works when I'm not aware that it is raining. And just to clear up, I'm not scared of normal things like baths or showers just rain and swimming. Especially the sea. I just don't like the way it feels like it holds me in, suffocates me. Rain isn't as bad but when I think about it I can't let myself go out in it.

I don't want to bring the jumpsuit back because it is so pretty. It would the only piece of clothing I want to wear when I leave the house. But I know I can't. But I want to. Can't I keep it for a couple more days, weeks maybe? I'll come up with a reason that maybe made me have to keep it. But what if he decides I'm taking too long to give it back and comes to my house? I won't answer the door. I will tell him that I don't know him. I will act innocent. As if I have no clue what jumpsuit he is going on about.

That would be cruel. To keep something of his sister's for too long. I know I want revenge on him for breaking my umbrella and making me cut my leg and go to his house. But mostly on his arrogance. If I could have the chance to wipe that smug smirk off his face I would gladly take it. I would not hesitate. It would be my pleasure to do it for the seemingly many girls who feel about him the same way I do.

So I guess I should give his sister her jumpsuit back and maybe while I'm over I could slap him in the face again. Make him know that I'm not there to see him, just returning something. I want to go to the shops and get a replica of that but that would be stupid. Very stupid. Since the price tag would be way over budget. My mum would only allow me to shop in retail stores which sucks because they have everything really cheap which means it is all bad quality. Although it isn't, which is weird but I swear they wouldn't be able to sell good quality stuff at such a small expense.

Time. Time is all I need to have. If I could turn back time. If I could freeze time, control time, be time. It would be amazing. I would be able to get myself out of weird situations, skip boring tests which everyone thinks my life revolves around, be able to go back in time to relive my most memorable moments and always have the world at my fingertips. It would be great. If only, if only life had a purpose for me. I've been told that I will become a great scientist or mathematician, doctor or lawyer. I don't even see how they suit me. They are all on different ends of the spectrum and I don't find joy in doing any of those things.

It may surprise you but I enjoy drawing. It frees me from the hassles of this world. It helps me to let go and express my feelings in art with squiggles and jagged lines and shades of colours. It is a great way to share my emotions without having to speak or have someone to listen. I have had no one to listen to me for ages now. Ever since my friend left in middle school. He was the best. And he taught me so much.

I will never forget how much he meant to me. He was so much better than any of my other silly girl friends. He was a proper friend. One who I could trust with my secrets. One who wouldn't take things seriously when I joked about his looks or the way he acted around girls. He was careless. He taught me how to be careless. He was always there for me, lending me a shoulder to lean on, giving me a hand to hold onto, and most importantly sparing an ear to listen to me.

And the worst thing is that my life has never been the same without him. Will never be the same without. He has left me. And I don't think he is coming back. He made it certain when he left that I wouldn't be able to see him again. At the time I thought it was another prank he played on me. But it was much bigger than that. I miss him. Still. Every single day I think of the fun we had and how much mess we got ourselves into. But we didn't care. We were us and no one judged us. We were better friends than anyone in the entire school. No one could not tear us apart.