Below the Sky

Chapter 12: Abigail

Chapter 12: Abigail

"I'm leaving in two days!" I yelled out to Mom. She backed away slightly from the aggressiveness of my voice, but still held her ground. "I'm sorry Abigail, but I've signed you up for the Student Helper program at Upstate, and you're leaving a month and a half early for college for the program."
"Mom! I don't want to leave any earlier than I have to. Why do I need some random upperclassmen to show me around, I'll figure it out!" This was so frustrating, I didn't want to leave any sooner than I had to.
"I'm sorry dear, but I thought this would be good for you. This way when classes start you won't be completely new to the place."
"Yes, but I don't want to leave you, or Caleb, a month and a half before I really have to!"
"Abigail..."
"No, you don't Abigail me," I lashed out at Mom, backing away from her soothing touch. "It's almost like you want to get rid of me faster, like you can't wait for me to leave. Was that conversation last night really just a lie?" I demanded, feeling the start of tears forming in my eyes.
"No sweetie, it was not a lie. I don't want you to leave sooner, in fact I don't want you to leave at all! I'm just trying to do what's best for you, and your college experience."
"You're not me Mom, you can't make my own decisions and you don't get to decide what is, or isn't best for me. I'm eighteen, I'm an adult! I should be allowed to do that by myself." Apart of me felt like I was being slightly harsh to Mom, after all she did just want what was best for me, but I was still to angry to reason with the kind side of myself.
"Abigail, I'm really sorry, okay. I was looking on Upstate's website, and it said that being in the Student Helper program has shown to be really supportive to new students. I just thought it might make your freshman experience a little easier..."
I cut her off mid sentence, and went off at her again, "I'm done with this conversation," I barked. Then I stormed away from Mom, up to my room, and locked my door.
This was just so frustrating. I had been dreading the day when I had to leave for months now, trying to will it to come slower, and slower. I thought that I'd at least have another month and a half, more time to say my goodbyes and properly prepare myself to leave. But here Mom was, signing me up for this shitty Student Helper program, thinking that it would improve my college experience, when in fact it would do the opposite of that. It was just so frustrating the way she tried to control me.
I eventually gave up holding in my tears, and let them fall down my cheeks. I faced the fact that I didn't want to leave. I loved my Mom, and Caleb so much, and it was too much to bare that I was about to move away for four years, then get a job, and move into my own place after that.
So I let myself cry. I rolled over on my bed, and sobbed into my pillow, letting all my pent up emotions from the last few months pour out of me. I cried until my soft pillow was soaked with salty tears, and until I felt like my eyes couldn't physically produce more moisture.
At some point Mom came into my room and wrapped me up in her arms, but I was too busy wallowing and hardly noticed. For a while we laid like that, her holding me, stroking my hair and telling me it would be okay. Apart of me felt like a baby for letting my mother caress me like this, but I didn't try and stop her.
I think most of me was just scared of change. My entire life had always been the same, me and Mom, and then later down Caleb. I was just afraid of leaving that, and entering a completely different environment from what I was used to.

Later in the afternoon, after my Mom had left my room and all my crying had long since ceased, I finally decided to get up and go talk to Mom. I walked downstairs, and noticed her sitting at the kitchen table, reading.
"Mom," I said. She smiled when she saw me, looking up from her book.
"Hey Abby," she said. I walked over to her, and took a seat at the table she was sitting at.
"I'm sorry for lashing out at you," the words tumbled out of me.
"Oh sweetie," Mom said, taking my hand, "I understand, it's okay."
"You do?"
"Ya, of course I do."
"I think I just don't really want to leave so bad, and I took that out on you when you tried to get me to leave early."
"I get it, you know I didn't want to leave home either when I went off to college," Mom said.
"Really?" I asked.
"Ya, I think I basically lashed out at everyone I loved before I left, taking out my anger on them."
"Kinda like what I just did to you," I said.
"Ya, exactly. You're already signed up for the Student Helper program you know, I can't change it."
I felt my stomach drop, even though I knew this was coming. "I have to leave eventually, I guess making it a month and a half early will help me get it over with."
"Ya, I'll help you pack over the next few days so you can the most time with Caleb as you can before you leave."
"Thanks Mom." I squeezed her hand, and then walked back up to my room, in a much calmer manner than I had previously.

Later that day, I was walking to Caleb's, of course, to tell him the news. When I knocked on his front door, he opened it almost immediately, and enveloped me in a soft kiss. The way Caleb kissed me was so precious. He kissed me like I was oxygen, and without the feel of my lips on his he wouldn't be able to live.
When we broke apart from this kiss, I felt out of breath but also happy. I could have been walking on a cloud the way I felt like I was floating off the ground. My happiness quickly dissipated though, when I remembered why I was here in the first place.
"Caleb, I need to talk to you," I said to him. He must have noticed the sudden solemn change in my voice, because the smile adorning his face disappeared. "Ya, sure what is it." Caleb took my hand, and led me over to the kitchen table, where he sat me down.
"Um, well basically my Mom signed me up for this Student Helper program at upstate, and well..."
"Ya," he urged me to finish talking.
"I'm leaving for the program in two days," I let the words spill out of my mouth, and immediately felt tears starting to pool in my eyes afterwards.
"What does that mean though?" Caleb asked, "like why do you have to leave so early for this weird program."
"Basically the program is there where upperclassmen show freshmen around, and help them get to their classes. I'm leaving early though to stay with my Student Helper until I move into the dorms in the fall so I can get to know the campus before school actually starts."
"I'm still confused why you seem so sad about this though."
"That's the thing, if I'm going to be leaving for four years, I have to let some people go."
"Wait..." Caleb was starting to see where I was going with this. He dropped my hand, and stared at me with a crazed expression on his face. "You're...you're breaking up with me?" A tear slid down his cheek.
"Don't consider this a break up, more like, a departing of ways after an amazing few years."
"This seems like a break up to me," the hurt in Caleb's voice broke my heart, but I knew this needed to be done. It was unfair to the both of us to continue to date if I was going too far away, beginning a new life.
"I'm really sorry Caleb, it didn't seem fair to continue to date you if I wasn't going to be close to you..."
"What're you talking about, a lot of couples stay together even after they go away to college. We've been dating for so many years now, I'm sure we could survive another four while you're away."
"Ya...it's not that. It's just, I want to have the freedom to do anything I want to while I'm at college, and not have you tying me down."
"You mean you want to have the freedom to be able to hook up with people!" Caleb's hurt was slowly turning to rage, and I felt a little scared by that.
"Ya, you know what, maybe. Maybe I will hook up with people, or even start dating someone knew. I just don't want you to always be in the back of my mind, reminding me that I have to control what I do and be a good girlfriend!"
"Okay, okay, I get it." Tears were now streaming down Caleb's face, and he took my hands again. "I understand why you're breaking up with me, and I get that if we're meant to be, we'll find our way back to each other, but for now, I'm glad that we could at least depart like this." Then Caleb cupped my chin in his hand, and pulled me in for one last goodbye kiss. Caleb's lips spoke all the words he couldn't say out loud. Like how much he loved me, and how he was going to miss me so badly, and that he was disappointed that this had to end, but knew why, and he understood.
The kiss probably lasted a little too long for a break up kiss to last, but we seemed to not let go. It was like, if our lips held contact for long enough, we wouldn't have to face the reality that we were leaving each other, departing once and for all.
We did break the kiss though, even if it was after a while. Caleb walked me to the door, and I stood up and kissed him on the cheek one last time. Then I walked out of his front door, turned back and gave him a short wave, then began the long trek home, tears streaming down my face.
Anyone who would see me walking home would probably be very confused by my appearance. My eyes were all red and puffy, and snot was drilling down my face, but I didn't really care. Let them talk, let them think, I was too depressed by my breakup with Caleb to even bother with spending time worrying what other people thought.