paper bags -- a wandanat au

day five: what i choose to remember

het besites been a minute. there is a seggs scene j saying :) 

"You had a lot of good times with Natasha." She drew a circle with her foot as she crossed her legs. "You felt betrayed." Of course I felt betrayed. I felt like that fact should be unspoken.  But I won't admit that. Why won't I? Why won't I let myself understand what she did? Why won't I let myself see that she wasn't who she said she was? Is it because I still don't believe it? Maybe I wish I would have given her time to explain? My temper. A fuse that is as short as mine shouldn't even exist. I jump, whether it's to a conclusion or from one memory to another to ignore that parts I don't like, I jump. So I choose what to remember, I make the distinction. 

I don't want to think about it. 

So, I won't. 

***

"I want to take you out again." Natasha said one day as she draped her arms over my shoulders pressing her belly to mine. I scrunched up my nose happily raising my eyebrows,

"Where?"

"I don't know." She looked up pensively, "someplace quiet, somewhere where it can be just us."

"Hard to find that in Manhattan." I thought out loud.

"Yeah..." She leaned in giving me a chaste kiss on the lips, "I'll find a place. Tonight, we'll find a place."

"Tonight?"

"Tonight." her mind was made up, she would not be taking no for an answer. I smiled warmly, wrapping my arms around her waist.

"Okay, tonight it is." I agreed. She squeaked excitedly, truly the cutest thing I had ever seen, before leaving my room to go do research on parks in town. That night she trotted down the hall meeting me halfway to the elevator at exactly 9pm. The stars were covered by clouds, but the moon was low and shone through the fog. We drove for about 15 minutes before turning down a dirt road bumping through thick trees. It wasn't like a city at all. Up the road a bit, a picnic table sat just beneath some low branched trees. Natasha parked the car leading me out into the clearing. Our fingers fit together perfectly as she clasped my hand looking up into the night. The sky had cleared a bit and a cluster of stars was visible above our heads. We watched the wind blow through the trees and a couple of squirrels chase each other into the dark. At one point we sat on the creaking wooden table, our arms sheathed around each other for further warmth.

"Wanda?" Natasha spoke in a soft voice.

"Yes?"

"I'm- god this is corny." She chuckled covering her face with her palm.

"What? No, go ahead. I won't laugh." I reassured, brushing one of her waves away from her right eye.

"I'm just so glad that I meant you...I don't know how I would have survived in that place without you...you're just amazing and I..." She paused, but she held my gaze steadily. Her lips touched mine, sweet and tender for just a couple of seconds. My eyes remained closed as she pressed our foreheads together gripping the back of my neck with her hands. "I love you." I thought for a moment I had imagined her saying that. My eyes snapped open and I meant her nervous glim. There were tears wetting my eyes but I refused to acknowledge them. I kissed her again with purpose and admiration. She melted into me, leaning her head back.

"And I love you." Her smile was brighter than I had ever seen in that moment. I never wanted to look away. Her tongue flicked over her bottom lip briefly before she leaned in again to kiss me gently.

***

I was lying sideways on my own bed as Natasha nearly ripped her hair out of her head trying to tame her ponytail.