A Heart Worth Healing

Chapter 15

Kirsty tried hard to settle into her new life in Braidwood. She struggled to maintain order in her daily activities while her mind was filled with chaos. For the first few weeks, she felt lost in her surroundings and soon became grateful for Maggie's presence.

It was Maggie who kindled Kirsty's interest in gardening by asking her how she was going to arrange the flowers for the next year. At first, Kirsty only read magazines and books about gardening. Then she eventually became engrossed in arranging the different flowers and shrubs in her garden. She used her artistic talent to create an original design which appealed to her sense of taste. Working in the garden gave her a feeling of ownership. Eventually she realized that everything was hers and she could arrange things in any manner she liked. She kept herself busy buying things for the garden and the house. With Maggie's help, she decorated a few of the guest bedrooms and organized the kitchen.

By focusing on mundane tasks, Kirsty managed to keep her isolation at bay. She would spend an entire day shopping for one particular kitchen utensil, convincing herself that the search was necessary if she was to find exactly what she wanted. She did the same thing with cushions for the couch, material for curtains in one of the bedrooms, and seat covers for her car.

Kirsty was hovering on the edge of despair. She knew in her mind that if she finished decorating the house, she would have nothing else to do. She wanted to postpone that moment for as long as she could, for she knew what would happen if she did not. Her inactivity would eventually consume her. Even though Kirsty tried to keep herself busy during the day, her mind would betray her at night. She could think of nothing else but Derek when she was alone in bed. She missed the sound of his voice and the strength of his arms around her. She missed everything about him. His faults were easily forgotten as she remembered only his admirable qualities. She blamed herself for falling in love with him when she should have known better from the beginning. Her ignorance and isolation only intensified her depression. She could not sleep; she barely ate anything. The flu she had caught would not go away and she often had to lie down on the couch because she had a headache.

Kirsty found it increasingly difficult to hide her illness from the probing eyes of Maggie. She knew Maggie would admonish her for not taking care of herself and, in her own twisted way, she did not want to feel better. She felt she deserved to be sick as punishment for the way she had acted. She should not have allowed herself to be tempted to lead a different life when the one she had been leading had been satisfactory in the first place.

Derek had been wrong about Kirsty's happiness. She was not happy with her new independence. She was not happy with her money. They meant nothing to her when she had no one to share her thoughts and dreams with. She only enjoyed her freedom to the extent that she could make her own decisions. She felt more abandoned than free. She felt as though Derek had left her in the middle of the ocean with only a rubber raft and some fresh water to survive on. She remembered a similar feeling after her parents had been killed. She knew she would have to survive, but she could not understand why. She could not understand why everyone she had ever cared about had abandoned her in some way. And she refused to learn her lesson. She persisted in caring about things even when she knew how painful it was.

Kirsty knew she was becoming bitter as the days passed. However, Maggie would not let her succumb completely to her emotions. Maggie maintained an almost aggravating cheerfulness which never failed to avert Kirsty from her habitual self-pity.

Kirsty though of a way to be alone without offending Maggie. She set up her painting studio in one of the more brightly lit bedrooms. She made an attempt to paint landscapes, but her heart was not in it. Once, she tried to paint a portrait of Derek's face from memory, but she failed to make it look realistic. Inevitably, Kirsty used her studio as an escape which even Maggie could not penetrate. Kirsty would sit in a chair for hours, looking out a window at the garden. She would think of the garden at Thurston and another time when she had felt special. She could think of nothing which would bring back that feeling. She would never feel so special again.