dream a little dream of me

ch15: one day you will leave this world behind

"avrai un sorriso sul viso come i grilli e le stelle in agosto. - you will have a smile on your face like crickets and stars in August."

And just like that Andy found herself standing alone at the train station. Looking down at the tracks- waiting for a train to approach. After a loss of a best friend she couldn't take it anymore. It was time to let go- and finally set herself free. As much as selfish move that was towards her husband and their future child, for the record- she was 4 months pregnant. It was time to find out a gender of the baby when the death of Victoria Hughes broke her completely. Destroyed every spark of happiness young Herrera-Sullivan had in herself.
Feeling the wind through her hair- her long dress, burgundy red- her favorite color, she was standing there- staring at the nature across the tracks. She couldn't cry anymore. She was numb. Lost. Dead inside, already and only a step away from the physical death.

"Andy! Please! Come back! Don't do that!"
She heard a familiar voice behind her. She turned her head towards the sound.
"Make one more step and it's over! I'll jump! Go away!"
She shouted. Another act of her being rude and pushing away everyone who tried to comfort her.

Three hours prior. A day after Victoria's funeral. At the Sullivan's condo.

"Leave me alone. I don't want to eat. I told you I can't."
Robert sighed- he was very tired of everything but on the other side he was so worried for her and the baby inside her. Poor man tried to do everything in his power to help her- but with every single cell of her bean she refused. Pushing him away, over and over. Breaking down dozens of times until she didn't lose ability to cry- so she ended up shattering glasses and plates, ruining dozens of those- and again, he didn't even raise his voice at her. He tried to be supportive. He remained calm even if his house was destroyed, his wife was completely destroyed and suffering and refusing help.
"Andy, please. At least for the bab-"
"Stop it! Stop telling me what to do!"
She snapped once again standing up from the bed. She started to gather her clothes into a backpack.
"Andy, what are you doing?"
Robert asked as the worry was written all over his face.
"Andy, please- we can get through this."
She shook her head, throwing a backpack on the floor.
"There isn't us in this! I am in this! Alone! You didn't lose your best friend! Or maybe if you weren't too damn proud Ripley would never keep me away from her! I would get to say goodbye! And it's your fault! for making that call! For running alone inside of that burning building! For doing everything on your own- because once again- you need to be a hero! You see everyone around you sad and broken and you have a NEED to fix them!"
He just scoffed. Obviously deeply hurt by her words. He tried his best not to snap at her- shout or even let his anger take over, but this time he failed. For the first time.
"This isn't about me being a hero! This is about you acting like a child! You lost a best friend and I am doing everything to make you feel better- and in exchange you end up shattering the plates and glasses and yelling at everyone who tries to look at you! Andrea, this behavior is childish! You are grown up woman, you are pregnant and you need help! Let me-"
She interrupted the once again.
"You don't get to tell me what-"
"Andrea- let- let me help you!"
"You're not my father! You don't get to tell me what to do! What do I need or what I do not! And for your information- I am leaving!"
Robert sighed trying to catch her by arm but she shrug it off.
"Andy!"
"Leave me alone!"
She stormed out of the bedroom- Robert immediately followed her but he then saw Pruitt Herrera, standing in the living room. He heard everything. Andy just stormed by him.
"Andrea!"
Old man tried.
"Andy please-"
Robert shouted once again after her. This time she turned around. 
"She would be here if you never made Maya a Captain. This is on you. Both of you!"
And with that she shut the door- getting in the car and driving off to the station.
Robert took his jacket but do Pruitt stopped him.
"Let her go, son. She needs to be alone. She will come back- and I know she will apologize. She doesn't mean any of this. That's just-"
Robert sighed, sitting down on the couch.
"Andrea. That's just Andrea. I am worried for her, sir. I am so scared she will do something what all of us will regret in the end."
Pruitt sat down next to him- in all seriousness he was worried too. He always thought he knew his daughter but for the first time- he was scared too.
"You did everything you could. You're a good man, Robert. And she loves you. She just needs time to process her grief. And I know she keeps pushing you away- but you need to be there for her. If you love her."
Robert then looked at him, his eyes were teary. He nodded.
"Of course I love her. I love her with every fiber of my being."
Pruitt nodded, patting his shoulder.
"It's gonna be okay. Because she will need you."
Old man was aware- his clock was ticking too. Coming to an end.

Andy came to the station. Walking in the left her backpack in one of the bunks- got pen and paper and sat down in the beanery. Starting to write her letters- to say her goodbyes. Writing each and every letter and putting them in an envelope, writing names of her team members on the each envelope.
She left them on the table. She thought she was alone in the station, but turns out she wasn't.
Miller was there too. She didn't see him, but he did see her. Once she left and sat in her car he immediately went and followed her. When he saw where she is headed to- his mind connected all of the pieces together. He never found himself in a situation like this- but he did know he has to go and try to talk her out of it.

"I said do not move!"
Miller put his hands in the air like she had a gun or something.
"Okay- okay! I am not getting any closer. But Andy please, talk to me. Say something. If you can't talk to me- is there anyone you can?"
She shook her head.
"It isn't. This is over. I can't do this anymore. I can't live in a World without Victoria Hughes in it. I can't bring another human being into this World, Miller. Into this cruel world."
Her voice was filled with anger, sadness but also guilt.
At this moment Dean was scared to death- just as the men at the condo were.
"Andy, don't. You're strong enough. You can pull through this. Listen, Hughie- Hughie is gone. Tanner is gone. Your mom is gone. Your dad is almost gone too. Life doesn't even let you to breathe but please- I need you. I need you to stay- Robert needs you to stay. Listen- Pru- Pru needs to have auntie to protect her, to teach her how to braid her hair- to explain her what it means to get a first period- what it means to suffer and survive a heartbreak. She needs an auntie to teach her how to flirt and date in secret because her dad said no dating before turning 25."
He felt a few tears running down his cheek. But he also smiled and laughed a bit on the last part. Andy did too. It looked like she is starting to question this decision.
"And of course I am not going to ask Bishop to be that aunt! Pru needs to have a nephew or a niece to play with- to go on that play dates and fight over a McDonald's meal. I need you to stay. Andy, with Hughie gone, you're the closest thing I have to a friend. Please."
Andy nodded as she looked at him and then back in the tracks. Holding hands on her baby bump. Could she really do this?
"Please- don't make me read that letter- ever in my life, Andy. Please, stay."
Andy felt tears sliding down her cheeks, letting her arms down her body. The train was heard in the near. Dean caught the chance and grabbed her- pulling her away from the tracks and train. Hugging her like the World is ending.
"I gotchu, Ands, I gotchu."
He whispered kissing her head as he tried to shoot Robert a text message- barely texting him the address.
Andy cried hugging him as the train was heard passing by.
"I don't want to kill this baby. I don't want to destroy Robert, you- or my dad. I don't want to-"
She said through tears, not letting go of Dean. For a few minutes he held her like that- and soon Robert came in running towards them. Pruitt followed behind him.
When she saw him Andy ran towards him- wrapping her arms around her husband. He hugged her back. Tightly.
She started to apologize and explaining herself but he just shush her- pulling her close to himself.
"Te amo."
He says then he put his arm around her waist. He was really always there for her. Loving and supporting her unconditionally.

In the end- what matters is to have someone who will say something to make you stay. To help you realize the goodness of this life, to help you and be a light you keep looking for. To remind you that- you're strong enough.