In Motion

Chapter 15: On Peak Hill by Stars (2001)

The rest of the sem was a blur. The left and right clobber of requirements kept my mind occupied. Every time I spaced out, I'd remind myself of a paper, exam, or presentation coming up. Sembreak, my mind kept pushing. I just needed to get to sembreak.

Stars was right: I'll get more done, I'll have some fun, pretend you're not the only one.

Except he was.

The thought of Martin was always followed by sharp stabs in my chest. I had been turning over reasons in my head. Was he afraid that I'd get angry? Was he still deciding to go or not? And this would sound needy but... Wasn't I important enough to know about it? Maybe he was the one just experimenting. None of my explantations made sense as I lost sleep every other night.

But I wasn't prepared to confront him either. The last time he spoke to me was sending his part for our Int Dev paper. It wasn't even a conversation. No message, not even a "Here." Just a Word file sent to my email at 3:30 AM.

I wanted to howl and break things when I woke up to that. Okay, too much. But I did too many bicep curls that morning. Until my arms felt like they were about to fall off.

Sembreak. I just needed to get to sembreak.

One. Two. Three. I counted the beer cans by the wall. That would make the Pale that I was holding my fourth. I opened it and chugged.

Twenty was a weird age. My parents didn't exactly forbid drinking, but they also couldn't ask what was wrong. I spent all day in my room, only showing up to dinner looking like I hadn't showered all day. I wolfed down my food, said as few words as I could, and made a beeline back to my room.

To my credit, I wasn't doing anything stupid, just playing video games and watching shows all day. When I got tired of those, I'd log into Y!M at night.

Martin had been staying permanently offline.

I shook my head and swigged at my beer. The clock beside my bed read 1:53 AM. Past midnight seemed to be the time I was wide awake and inebriated during sembreak.

I made my way to the kitchen to fill my stomach. I cooked myself pancit canton and ate at the kitchen bar. Just then, someone was coming down the stairs. Impulse ordered me to hide my beer.

"Chill," Mel said as she entered the kitchen. "I know you've been drinking." She peered into the fridge. "Mom and Dad know, too." Yeah, well, I wasn't very good at taking cans out while they were at work.

"Why're you still awake?" I asked around a mouthful of canton.

"Homework," she replied. She grabbed a tupperware of carrot sticks—kid you not—and munched on them beside me.

She sniffed around and sneered at me. "You stink," she complained.

"Thanks," I mumbled and shoved forkfuls into my mouth. I pushed it down with beer.

"Why are you drinking alone?" she asked, sounding like she felt sorry for me.

"Everyone's busy," I lied. Mel gave me a side eye, seeing right through me. But she didn't press further.

"Have you been dating?" I pried, looking for a change of topic. Mel stared at me with an "Okaaaay" expression.

"I'm serious," I said, glancing at her.

She continued staring at me, a smirk forming. "No, I haven't," she replied. "Have you?"

I sputtered my beer and immediately reached for the rug. Fuck, that backfired quickly. I was coughing and cleaning my mess as she chuckled. I joined in as I cleared the beer from my nose.