Regina Mysterious

Chap 8 - Happiness... To... Hurt. Once Again.

Helena's pov
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Life was never easy to me. I learned life the hard way as a kid. I don't know or remember who or what I am. I don't know where I belong. I don't know my real birthday or my real age. I just say I'm 19 if someone asks because I know I'm around that age.

I want to know my past, I want to know about my parents, birth family. Biological family. I want to know if I look like my mother or father or someone else in the family; maybe grandmother or grandfather. I want to know if I had or have sisters and brothers... siblings... or maybe if I am an only child. I want to know if my family is big or a plainly small family. I want to know if they love or loved me or not. I want to know if they are alive, if they miss me or if they tried to find me or reach out to me. Or if they are like me.

There are so many ifs that I want answers to. But how? I don't know. My last name is Ruiz. I know that for sure. And I did try to search for any Ruiz. But when I came empty handed the first time which was years ago, I gave up. I believed that I'm a lonely person. I gave up on the world around me. I started looking at the earth; the world; the community around me in a different way. I started believing they all are useless. I became selfish. I stopped caring about others.

Because I believed they have families, but I don't. They have friends, but I don't. They have happiness, but I don't. They have people to depend on, but I don't. They have people to love, but I don't. They have people who love them unconditionally, but I don't.

But then again it was all true. They have that, but I didn't. They have everything I desired, but I don't.

I don't want money, I don't want richness. I will live a poor woman's life happily if I have people around me who would love me and who I can love. A family. I will give my life for them if I had a family. I will die protecting the ones I treasure. A family.

But I don't have it. I don't. Which is why I took it from people in my past. I killed innocent people. I killed, murdered people with a happy family because I could never have it. I never felt a bit of guilt or sympathy or sadness for the dead ones. Not even once. In fact, I enjoyed it. All of it. Every single second of it.

But I'm not the same anymore. I don't feel the insecurity while looking at happy families anymore. But there still is a pang of anger, sadness, grief, loneliness and jealousy. Now, I feel a pang of sorrow and regret thinking back about the innocent pure souls I took with no reasonable enough reason.

I wanted a mother's love. A father's love. That's what I wanted. What I have ever dreamed of.

Not once have I ever dreamt of luxury. No, I didn't. I couldn't. Because to me, luxury is nothing but a piece of shit.

I sat at the little field of flowers. There were families playing around. Kids enjoying life with no care in the world. Siblings spending time together. Friends catching up on the latest gossip. Parents watching their kids with unconditional love in their eyes.

They all were arrows of poison going to my heart. Reminding me of how unlucky I am. How lost I am. How heartless I was.

But I can't do anything about it, but watch them. Like how I am doing it now. My eyes were solely on them. But my mind was elsewhere, going crazy about things I didn't get to experience as a kid. Things I could never have even now or in the future.

"hey, darl!" startled, I turned around to see Veronica. "h-hey." I mumbled back. "wanna play?" she asked giggling. "wha-what do you mean? Play what?" I asked. "come on! Let's play hide and seek!" she said tugging my hands.