My love, my death ,my saviour

Forever

It's a slow day.
There aren't many guests in the midnight hotel and there isn't a lot to do.
If anythingh there is a huge ansehen of thinghs to do.
Somethingh Anton always dreaed, because that means he has no way to distract himself.
No way to silence the voice in his head.
Decades have gone by, whispers the voice in his head, and you are still alone.....
Shut up, thinks Anton, even trpugh he knows that paying attention makes it only stronger, wich is why he tries to be always busy.
Only one man loved you and you let him die.....
I didn't, if I could have done anythingh, I.......
You are a coward, interrupts the voice him.
It is the gist speaking, or at least Anton thinks so.
I would have died for him, growls Anton back and starts to sort trough a pile of paper, that already is sorted, in the hope it will distract him.
Then why didn't you die for him?
Instead you let him die.
You watched him sacrifice himself for Dexter.
I tried to save him, I was already running.....
You were too late.
But if I had been in charge I would hab saved him.
You wouldn't have, thinks Anton while he arranges the papers in a new order.
I would have and you hate that, because you know I would have saved him.
No, snapps Anton back a thought so full of force and anger that he suprises himself.
Some of the paper crumble in his hands, because he is gripping them so hard.
Don't fool yourself, I loved him.
You just don't want to admit it.....
Shut up!
....because I loved him more.
I would have sacrificed myself for him.
I would have killed everyone coming near him.
I wouldn't have hesitated.
I didn't hesitated!, howls Anton back.
Really, then why didn't you let me go?
Why did you hold me back when he was in danger?
 
Anton swallows and says nothingh for some time.
Why?
Why indeed.
Almost every night he lies awake and thinks about the day Larrikin died.
And when he doesn't think about Larrikin he feels guilty for not thinking about him.
If he just could turn back the time...
If he just could save Larrikin...
Or at least die next to him.
 
Because of you I lost the one person I loved.....
I loved him.
Then why did you let him die?
I couldn't do anything!
You could have killed yourself!
A tears rolls down Antons cheek when the gist tells him what he has considered himself so often.
Just ending it.
Take the pistol and just.....bang.
Or maybe take a rope....
There was a cold sea out there, if he would take a swim in it...
.....he would never would make it out again.
That would have been to easy, replies Anton and adds, he wouldn't want that.
How would you know, you let him die.
And I hate myself, cries Anton.
Every day I wake up with the guilt if having done nothing!
Every day again I hate myself, but I can't just give up.
Why not?,whispers the voice.
What is there to life for?
You friends don't ever come to visit anyway....
You have no family left...
What is holding you back?
I love him, says Anton sadly.
I know, I love him too.
No, you don't says Anton or you would now how much Larrikin loved life.
You would know how he woke up smiling in my arms
If you loved him you would know how he thought that every day, every minute was worth living.
You don't know anythingh, if you truly had loved him..., the outraged voice of the gist snarls at him.
When you love someone you have to accept that they will do thinghs you don't like.
Things you may hate....
What a stupid nonsense....
And you still love them.
Not despite the stupid thinghs they do, but because off them.
And that's why I hesitated.
Larrikin made a decision...
That's an utterly stupid excuse to let someone die....
Maybe.
But if you would love him, then you would know that Larrikin resented nothingh auch as getting his freedom taken away.
Your such a stupid liar..
Larrikin made a choice to die.
To sacrifice himself.
And if I had taken that choice from him....
That's a weak excuse...
Probably.
You could at least do us both a favor and join Larrikin in death.
I will never do that.
His love kills me every day again.
And every day it rescuese from killing myself.
Larrikin is my savoir and my killer.