LEMONS / 𝗺𝗹𝗺 (✓)

EPILOGUE: where they exist

TW+CW: brief mention of suicide as well as body insecurities, please look out for yourselves when reading<3

EPILOGUE
where they exist (together)

Kalen really likes existing with Hwan.

He soon realizes that he likes having Hwan around—even when he's just painting or trying to teach himself how to sew or plays the guitar. Hwan doesn't mind him playing when he's reading or cooking (and he is cooking all the time, Kalen quickly learns). He likes going to Hwan's place for nothing in particular and Hwan doesn't complain when he shows up at his doorstep simply to ask him what his favorite song is so he can learn to play it for him.

Sometimes, it's hard—even when they're just sitting in each others' presence—because Kalen hasn't dated anyone since he dated Lucas and it ended with curse words, unfinished fights and a bad taste in his mouth. Now, every waking moment of his, he worries that he and Hwan might end up the same.

It's something that takes up space in Kalen's mind a lot even though he finds it extremely stupid and unnecessary because Hwan is nothing like Lucas and Kalen would like to think he's nothing like he was when he was with him.

Sometimes, it's hard. It's hard because Hwan struggles with telling Kalen things that he deems unnecessary to speak about and while Kalen feels no remorse against Hwan for having to ask, he still feels a pull in his heart. Hwan thinks that what makes him cry when he ends a call with Rose's parents isn't important and when Kalen tells him that it is important, Hwan doesn't seem to believe him.

Kalen doesn't like it when Hwan looks the other way as he in details explains what happened between him and Andrew the last time they spoke together because he doesn't want Kalen to see him cry. He doesn't like the way he apologizes when he hesitates or doesn't know what to say. 

Hwan will stumble over his words and automatically apologize.

And Kalen tells him in a playful tone to stop apologizing.

Hwan says that he should, now serious.

Kalen replies, this time serious as well, not for something that never hurt anyone in the slightest.

Sometimes, it's hard, but Kalen thinks it's okay. It's okay because when Kalen takes Hwan to his job and someone throws a rock at Hwan and yells out the f-slur, Hwan doesn't let go of Kalen's hand. It's okay because when people stare at Kalen kissing Hwan, Hwan still kisses back even though Kalen knows he sees it too. 

Those moments alone is worth everything that makes Kalen's heart ache for him along with Hwan's sudden visits at the bar, them spending time in their apartments and everything else that lets Kalen have Hwan for himself.

It's okay because the more times Kalen reminds Hwan that he has nothing to apologize for, the less times he does it.

Every time Hwan stops himself from apologizing, Kalen sends him a dazzling smile as if he's proud of him and Hwan thinks it feels good.

So does the random calls he gets at work from Kalen who has just watched the ending of a sad movie and needs to rant about it to him in between classes, along with the goodnights whispered onto his lips by Kalen when they're leaving each other's apartments at midnight because they lost track of time — and then also months later, when they're about to fall asleep in their shared bed, curled up next to each other.

It feels good because existing with Kalen is the best thing Hwan has ever experienced.

Even when it breaks his heart.