music and other poetic shit

Home - Cavetown

not a lot of this has to do with the song itself but yeah. Also this is me venting i do not care if no one reads this. also im kinda sobbing rn so yeah.

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My favorite song.
Not really though, i guess i like 'hug all your friends' and 'my r' just as much, maybe more.
but like...
the meaning.
it's important to me, as i have gone through it. maybe not to the same extent, but..

it happened to me
Tiktok made it about depression, which makes me sad, because its actually about the issues trans people go through.
this same thing happened with 'the village'
i thought we said we werent going to do that again?

"ill cut my hair"
cutting my hair.
my next haircut appointment is in a few weeks, should i cut it shorter?
my hair used to be very long, but... i didnt like it.
like dont get me wrong, my hair was very nice, i would always get compliments about it.
"your hair is so pretty! i wish i had your hair."
i just... dont like it on me.

"ill hide my chest"
hiding my chest.
ive always done it, just never noticed it.
i thought i was just insecure, not ever wanting to talk about the feminine things with my body.
baggy shirts help, i guess.

Parents.
my parents, arent very accepting.
ive never told them, ever, though i have hinted.
"why are you so uncomfortable talking about periods?! everyone goes through them!"
mom.
screaming.
"i just... i dont want to be a girl sometimes, okay?"
tension.
angry.

Thats normal.
"thats normal, womans rights are slowly getting better, but why dont you feel comfortable around me?"
its my body.
i dont feel right in my body.
but i just thought it was all normal.

caitlyn jenner.
"dad, who's caitlyn jenner?"
sigh.
uncomfortable.
"he is the stepdad of those famous sisters... the ones that have the tv show."
confused.
acting.
knowing.
"but they look like a girl? and- and caitlyn sounds like a feminine name."
annoyance.
"Hes one of those boys who turned into woman, hes really a man though, nothing can change it."
mad.
overwhelmed.
"you mean... she. not he. she is a woman."
more sighs.
why.
"whatever..."
walking away.
sadness.
pain.

pain.
i don't understand.
pronouns.
gender.
sexuality.
feminine?
masculine?
nonbinary.
trans-masc.
no.
no no no.
not trans.
i am not trans.
i cannot be trans.
they dont,
they wouldnt like that.
woman.
be a woman.
try.
try.

413 words.