i wanted to call you

.

that night, i wanted to call you.

it was nothing much. it was just an ordinary night and everyone was deep asleep but i felt so alone that i burst in tears. i tried controlling my tears and they stopped but the moment i touched something warm like my bed or my blanket or even my skin i just broke into tears again. in the end i just sat on the cold floor not hugging myself, just barely holding back the tears.

nothing was going on. its just that it's been a few rough days and i've felt so ridiculously useless because of it... it's funny how well i'm holding up during this lockdown. it's almost like a comedy show that i haven't succumbed to it yet. but the truth is as long as i look forward to something everyday in life, i might be able to hang on until i escape or get help.

if i can be honest, though, i look forward to you.

every single day in this confinement, i look forward to seeing you again.

i remember our first meeting, and i just thought you weren't anyone significant. you know i'm wrong by now. you've become my only reason to live. i miss looking at your eyes as you smile. i miss messing around with you. i miss your voice, your touch.

and being alone isn't helping.

i was longing to see you.

i was still lying on the floor, flat, but it had made me feel somehow more peaceful. i crawled back to my bed slowly, and laid down on the soft mattress. of course, that didn't help as well. tears immediately fell down.

i've never felt this warmth before. it made me want to share a hug with someone i love, someone i'm comfortable with.. of course, i've never hugged you, have i? i just fell in love with you without knowing if you feel the same or not, i just fell in love. that threw me into another round of tears.

was i even significant?

is this feeling one sided only?

all the nights i spent thinking about you..

do you feel the same way, even?

i know it's selfish of me to think of this.. but is it worth it if i survive for you, and in the end, i'm insignificant to you, and i just live to see you love someone else. i felt guilty for thinking about this. it's your choice, anyway.. don't be with me if you pity me.. i'd rather die knowing you're in love with someone else rather than knowing i was a burden to you.

i was still crying, i was delibrating whether or not i should call you. a few words would comfort me greatly, but it's late in the night and i can't bother your sleep, otherwise you'll not be rested for tomorrow's challenges.. and i didn't want to be selfish, sacrificing your resting time for my own comfort. i slowly got control of my tears and i pulled the blanket over my face.

i took my phone and my earphones, eager to find some music to put me to sleep. i put on a random piano playlist and plugged the earphones into my ears.

this song..

we used to listen to this together, didn't we?

this was your favorite song.

god, the universe really wanted me to have a tough time.

i relapsed into another round of tears and couldn't stop crying. i'm an utter waste of money, time and materials. everything invested in me so i could one day be successful and grow healthily are useless. if you love me one day, i would be more of a burden than a blessing for you, wouldn't i?

i opened your contact, and my finger was hovering over the dial button. i'm scared and afraid. i have too many mixed feelings right now, what if i mess up and say something hurtful or selfish? what if you were sleeping?

but on the other side, i thought: what if you were on the same state as i was, and you wanted to call someone, but you were like me and didn't have the courage to call anyone because you were too scared that you were going to bother them?

what if on the past i could have helped you, but i didn't because i was too busy paying attention at my own feelings for you until i didn't realize you had your own feelings and problems yourself..

i thought, yes, maybe, i was thinking a bit too much and i was not in the right headspace to ring you right now. so i put back my phone and stared to the white wall.

empty.

that's how i feel right now.

i feel empty and hollow, and there were unseen needles pricking at my thumb.

no.. not this again. please..

it's in the middle of the night. no one would see me..

i looked at the scar on my wrist.

no..

i immediately ran to my table and grabbed every single sharp thing and threw it down the toilet bowl, then i flushed it. i don't want to see them anymore...

i went back to my bed, still crying and thinking of calling you and feeling the prick on my fingers. i wanted to die. i wanted to disappear. but in the end...

i did nothing.

i don't deserve you, and you deserve someone better.