Turning Tables ✔

Part 8

LISA

I felt empty as soon as Jennie left.

It immediately felt like the wrong thing to do, asking her to leave. It wasn't what I really wanted. I wanted to get to the bottom of our past as much as Jennie appeared to...

But it hurt so bad. Usually, when I reflected on Jennie, I polarized her. She was either the best thing that ever happened to me, my sweet best friend who helped me through everything, or the monster that left me in the dark. The asshole who walked away from me and never looked back.

Today, though, I couldn't polarize her. Because sitting in front of me on my couch, Jennie was just... a person. A person who had been great to me, who had done amazing things to me, and also a person who made some pretty shitty decisions and broke my heart.

It was like I was hating her and loving her at the same time.

I wasn't sure what I wanted. The smart thing to do here was to leave her behind. The same way she left me behind.

And I didn't mean that out of spite, either. I guess I was a little resentful. But even with those emotions set aside, being with her just wasn't the smartest thing for me.

She really could run away again. It was bad enough when we were kids, but now? As an adult? It would tear me up inside to fall in love with her again and be abandoned. Being in an adult relationship, we'd form a way stronger bond than when we were kids and trying to suppress our romantic attraction toward one another.

Still, it was hard to keep myself from fantasizing about what it would be like to be with her.

All these years, I thought she never had those feelings for me. I believed she was being a coward and running away from me entirely because my emotions had scared her. Which, I guess, in a way, they had.

But I never imagined what actually scared her was the emotional intensity she also felt for me. I knew she had kissed me too, cuddled with me too, but I convinced myself that was just the alcohol. Not because she genuinely felt romantic for me.

So the idea that she did have these feelings for me sparked something new within me. Among my resentments and frustration, I had myself thinking about what it would be like to actually be with her. To have the relationship I dreamed of since I was a kid.

I was stupid, I knew I was. The girl broke my heart. I had no reason to suspect she wouldn't again when things got hard. And it'd been so many years! I barely knew her now.

But I wanted to get to know her all over again.

It was so hard to close the door on her and never look back. She was still so special to me. No other woman had ever compared to her. How could I step away and ignore that?

I was in my mid-twenties now. I had a decent job and my own house, and I wanted to settle down. But I'd never met a woman that felt worth settling down with.

I guess that wasn't true. I'd dated plenty of good people that were certainly worth it. Plenty of women that I should have been madly in love with, who were perfect for me on paper. But I never felt the chemistry with them that I felt with Jennie.

I didn't know if I ever would feel that again with anyone. That was the scariest part. That was the part that made it so hard to walk away from her forever.

What if it all could work out? We could be together, and she could stay with me without wanting to run away? And all that intimacy we once had... Could we have it back?

I knew the answer to that last question. We absolutely could. Because just having her around me, I felt the pangs of my love for her once again. Even though I knew nearly nothing about her anymore. Not her job, not her lifestyle, not anything about her past... She was a stranger to me.