im so tired its like 3 am, the boys are practically like zombies, they are alive but i wouldnt say they are themselves. we will wake up at 5 to record some more. im so tired of this, i havent ate in 3 days i know it hurts and my doctor said its very bad to have a eating disorder but at this point i think thats the only thing im able to do. they control us, they tel us what to wear, what to say, what to do, and when we will do it, eating is the only thing i can decided for myself. i never wanted this, i know what you will say who wouldnt want to be in the biggest boy band in the planet , who wouldnt love being on the wall of every girl, who wouldnt want to travel the world? well its me , i am the one who doesn't want all of that at least on right now. my name is ZAYN MALIK and this is my story.
i was born in the city of bradford , uk, its not very populated it as a small city , no one is expected to reach where i reached there, i guess im the lucky bunch.
it was always my dream to become a singer. i remember singing in my room until 3 am and my mom used to force me to sleep. to be honest im who i am because of my mom. she is the one who forced me to go to the audition back in the summer of 2010. i was expecting myself to be a lazy teen, and im glad that i didnt turn out to be that man.
i picked mario let me love you, it was my name one pick at that time. i got four yes's, and i was so happy i may not have shown it but i really was. i couldnt wait until i saw my dads face , all i want is to make him proud. my dad influenced my music type, growing up i listened to a lot of RNB, HIP-hop, and bollywood music.my mom has always supported the decisions i make no matter what, my dad on the other hand was more realistic.
once i got through i was nervous and that pitch in my stomach started to appear , it was the dance routine, i hate dancing , no really , i could do anything but please no dancing. at that moment i gave up why am i doing this. i dont like to leave my comfort zone, i was sitting in one of the empty seats, debating weather i should leave or not, when goody simon came up to me and gave me this "prep talk", he said i should try it out, and i just had to go along with him because i was lost, i dont know how to dance let alone in front of cameras.
one thing after another and then there i was put into a group of 4 rejected boys like me, all the boys seemed sadder than me i dont know why, its like thier dreams were crushed so was mine but you can get another chance. "it not the end of the world" i thought to myself.
i never knew that the boys will become so important to me, we just all connected , imagine people with different background and different religions loving each other like their own blood.
the one person i was closest to is louis, we had a lot in common and he has helped me get comfortable and he became my best friend, i hate the fight we had and the things i had said to him still hunts me to this day. i knew i would lose a lot when i left one direction but losing my bestfriend was not on my list, after the fight i felt like i lost my right arm, nobody was the winner in this fight but we are both stubborn to admit, we have that in common.
when the band first start taking off everything was going great, why shouldn't it? i made myself believe that nothing is better than this. but there was a piece of me missing and the more the days went the more i started to notice . first off family didn't matter. we were always so busy we couldnt even see our family as much as we wanted to,and that was especially hard for me because im really close with my family. second off our schedule is crazy , we would only get 2 hours of sleep, no matter what day it is we have somewhere to be , our schedule is already written for the next year, anything can happen but they are so damn sure that we would be the same for the next year. third of i didnt have the choice of music. they control our voice and if any time i throw in a little RNB , they smooth it out so its perfect for them. half of the songs i wrote gets snubbed and not added to the album. the boys tried to help but it was no use, i knew then that the band was a hole and its going deeper .
i think it was obvious that i was the different one from the others. i get bullied because of my race , and get separated from the other boys.
i knew how i was feeing and i still hanged out a little more because i didnt want to ruin the boys happiness. we all get tired of it sometimes but the boys loved it, and i wanted to keep everything the same. i have swallowed my pain for the boys and the fans, but i cant hold it much longer this time i had to do it for MYSELF.
when we are in flights i used to sit there and write song , i would go to the studios alone and just mess around and play some of my tunes, this were the moments that made me go like "THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO" and no one can tell me no.
it was a concert in japan when it hit me , i have to do this, and i think the boys noticed , they begged me not too but i couldnt i had to do this for them, no matter how happy they looked , knew they could be happier , they could do so much better than this.
i talked to my cousin and he told me "DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT", i talked to my mom and she supported me as usual, but my dad was questioning me , and he knows i will do whatever i want.
paying $5 millon to get out of a contract was easy, getting yourself out of rumours is not, my fiance perrie edwards and i broke up, day later my days with one direction came to an end i wish i could've left in a better way and vibe but what happened happened
my parents raised me to be the man i want to, and needed to. people will always say shit. they think there is a whole other reason why i have left.
the reason i left the biggest boy band is because i wanted solo, i felt like i was in the band for the people and not me, i wanted to challenge myself , see what i could do, i didnt want attention, i didnt want views , i didnt want money, i wanted to see my talent, i want to be able to write my own songs, i dont want to hold someone hands anymore.
i struggled a lot during 1d days, and im not the only one. its not just the management its everything, i know being a big pop star is obviously going to get you hate, but i felt like i was getting different hate than the boys. people see me as a bad boy, rude, and quiet. the media can eat crap for all i care but it scares my family, and i want to be a role model for my little sisters and the rumors can scare them away.
now im sitting on my bed confused, maybe i just need a break, nobody is listening to me
(if you guys liked this chapter please tell me so i can write a whole zayn diary book)
