Survival of the Artistic Mind

Introverted Feeler

I swear sometimes I'm not enough
I compare what's mine to what I think I want
I scare myself that I won't get loved
I wear smile I suck it up
You think I am so confident
You believe my smile means I'm content
With who I am
With who I've been
Assume you know me from the short time you've spent
Hearing me laugh
Always a goof
But you have not tried
You have no proof
Of who I am
And who are you
To see me jest
And now you guess
That you'll profess my undeniable happiness
My completely obvious confidence
While I'm so glad to make you happy
It's just not fair to make me feel crappy
Because you've decided
No feelings reside in
The girl who's apparently always, forever, permanently happy
You don't get to poke
You don't get to joke
About how stupid and dim I am
Like I'm your comedic punching bag
Here just to make you less sad
Please don't misunderstand
I love making others laugh
I view it not just as my job
But my craft
So don't get me wrong
I love to be on
this is just a reminder
The girl who's a laugher and permanent smiler
Just like you do
She feels awkward
Feels anxious
Feels annoying
Ugly
Just heinous
And unexplainably down sometimes too
She has insecurities
Does not run on batteries
And does not see as flattery
When you say for a fact she is so happy
See I'm trying
To live by your writing
But it's not inside me
Yes I am always laughing
To a degree I'm happy
But know happy is not what you see
I try to stay positive
I do my best
I push laughter in front of the pain in my chest
So when you give me no rest
And joke at my expense
Like I am just paid entertainment
It drags me down
I'm not your clown
I am a real human and this is my statement
I've got a brain too
You can prove it's true
If you listened not just when I'm laughing
My life's not a performance
Not some film at Sundance
My life's not a play
So I'm sorry to say
I'm just living
So you can stop clapping
if you're wondering how to describe me
Allow me to spell out my identity
Growing
Trying
Working in positivity
Not sappy
Not crappy
Not constantly happy
Not just entertainment
And definitely not just a toy
I'm someone who's learning
still constantly yearning
At least to be filled with and spreading encouragement along with joy.