One Journey, the Final

Chapter 1

 You know you’re nervous when you can’t stop smiling. At least, that’s what happens to me when I’m nervous. I’d always try to hide the dying fear creeping up inside me, and I figured that a smile would be the sugar coat to cover it up.

Tonight, I couldn’t stop smiling.

                It was my first “ball” or “cotillion” or whatever you want to call it. In my mind, it was just a formal dance filled with drunken people and sparkling lights. It was titled, a “Charity Ball,” and all the most prestigious civilians in New York City were invited. I, part of the team of architects who designed the Olympic Stadium in the last year, was among those invited to the ball. I received the invitation a few weeks before the selected date, and I was quickly invited to accompany my fiancé, Will, the mayor’s son.

                I met Will a few years ago when he attended a grand opening of one of my designs. He cut the big red bow with me, and it was instant love. At least, that what the press called it. I called it three months of dry conversations and holding hands. He finally warmed up to me last year, it took him long enough. He must always been nervous, he constantly smiles around me. It’s not that I don’t love Will, we’ve dated for about two years. I just feel like I’m settling. It seems as if we’ve been through this dating-stage for so long, that getting married seemed like the next logical step in this relationship. 

My problem is, I’ve dealt with logic all my life. For once, tonight, I wanted anything but logic. I wanted uncertainty, questions, and anxiety.

                My hands were tangling and fidgeting in my lap. One of my legs were shaking, and I had a wide smile on my face. I could feel nervous sweat starting to form on my neck. I quickly wiped it away. Will sat next to me, uninterested in everything. I sighed. He was extra boring tonight. I think that’s how he copes with his nervousness. If he even has nervousness. Or feelings.

                “Is your dad going to be there?” I asked, trying to get my mind off of how nervous I was. Will was looking out the window at the passing cars. He was distracted.

                “Will,” I said, bringing him back to his surroundings.

                “I’m not sure if he’ll be there,” Will said monotonically.

He’s so boring.

                “What about Charlotte and Scott? Will they be there?” Charlotte and Scott were some close friends.

                “They weren’t invited,” Will said dryly. I gritted my teeth. What was it going to take to get two words out of Will? I know we’ve dated for a while, but the only reason we’ve continued is for Will and his future campaign. He will probably be a president in the future, and the more popularity he had now would help for later. But this time I was losing it. I dug my nails into my hands, and tried to keep calm. The anxiety had left and was now replaced by anger and frustration. I looked at him with dead eyes and had to control myself so I wouldn’t strangle him. I felt nothing at the same time. My life was a living song to Taylor Swift’s, The Way I Loved You. Absolutely nothing. He does everything right, but it’s nothing I want. I’d rather have all the emotions racing at one time, than to be next to this lump of rock. And then I’m reminded of a slim moment when everything seemed perfect. The one moment when I felt extreme insane love towards him. We were standing under a lamp post in the rain, we were walking. He hadn’t proposed yet, so we were still in the awkward dating stage. But then, he pulled me back behind a wall. He pinned me up against it, and kissed me.

                That is the only moment I can explain of what I miss. It only happened once, but I’m always reminded of it, and I wonder what happened to that fire lit inside. Maybe politics does that to you. You turn into a lifeless person. It may have been too late for Will to have that burning in his eyes again, but I’m not going to give that up for some title as the First Lady.