The Beginning of a New Me

Chapter 3 - Being backstabbed by my "best friends"

My social worker, May and I were going to Hobiyee (Hobi-yay) which was a Native thing at my village in New Ayiansh. Before I had left, I had one of my friends Mikayla, tell me what my ex bffs Jamie and Kristen were talking about me. Jamie, Kristen and I were all bffs for 4 years. But someone named Austin had to ruin it. Jamie and I dated. They confessed their feelings in grade 9 (2017). I had felt the same so they had asked me to be their girlfriend. They also had feelings for Austen (different Austin/Austen). They had Austen and I do a competition to see which one they will date. I got angry and backed out because I was led on. I forgave Jamie, stupid decision of mine, and became bffs again. Over the years they fucked up, but guess what I gave them chances over and over again, you don't need to tell me how stupid I was back then I know it now and I wish I hadn't given them so many chances. Anyways back to the beginning of 2020. We were headed to Hobiyee and it was fun. After we had arrived and I went to school on Monday, Mikayla had told me that Jamie and Kristen had said to their friend Austin, actually they all said "He's too clingy, and too jealous." Before the fight and them backstabbing me. I had dated Jamie, again a stupid decision of mine that I regret, for a month. During the month Austin had been poking Jamie saying "Friendship level 1, 2 ,3 4, 5, 6, and so on." I was jealous of him because he had been doing that infront of me when he knew Jamie and I were dating. I told Jamie my feelings towards Austin and they ignored it. Multiple times. It felt like my feelings didn't matter. And so one day Jamie and Austin had hung out at lunchtime together. Alone. It ticked me off, so I ended up ignoring both of them for the rest of the day. When the end of school came, which I was glad it did, I went home, and got a text from Jamie. (I forgot the texts because I now don't give a fuck about Jamie so they are non-existent for me so the texts are from what I can remember but most are what I think)  

Jamie:

Why did you ignore me for the rest of the day?? 

Me:

Because I seen you and Austin at lunch alone! I'm jealous of him! I told you that I was jealous of him but you ignored me twice!

Jamie:

He's just a friend! Nothing is going on between me and him! I have to ask you something..

A-are you cheating on me? You've been so distant

Me: 

No! Like I told you! Austin! He's always poking you infront of me, and he's always around even when WE had "alone time" 

Jamie:

He's just a friend! You don't need to be so jealous! 

Me: :thoughts: Just a friend my ass

I'm sorry that I care about you! I'm sorry I let you be my first kiss! I'm sorry that I love you! I'm sorry that I let you be my first everything! My first partner, my first kiss, my first time, and my first love!

Jamie: 

This isn't working out. I'm sorry but we're over.

Me:

Good! Never text me again! And never talk to me!

Trigger warning s*lf h*rm, and suic*dal thoughts

After that, the next day I arrived at the school, and forgot that I had classes with Jamie, so I had cried, and walked out of the classroom. It broke me because I had also lost my best friends, and they had been laughing without me. With Austin who had ruined everything. 

A few days later, Jamie, Kristen and Austin had told everyone that I had cheated on Jamie. I didn't. That got me angry, and it hurt me because I had lost most of my friends. I had some talking behind my back when I could hear them. I hated going to school. Because I had to see everyone's faces, and had to be in the same class with some. And because I had no one.

Not gonna lie, I had thought of ending it all. But I thought of my family, and how it would break their hearts. I hated myself, and wanted to end it. I thought of s*lf h*rm. But I pretended to be happy. Happy so that my family had their "happy son/grandson/brother," pretending had taken a lot of energy. At night sometimes I would cry myself to sleep. Cried because I had no one, because I was faking everything.