10 days

Day eight

Brian MC:

"Do you want to watch a movie while we eat?" Brian asked.
"Hm sure. You can pick one."

We sat on the couch and put on a random teen movie. Once we finished eating Brian tried to cuddle with me but I was reluctant, so he sat across from me. I don't really enjoy physical contact, and at first I made some efforts for Brian but after one week of living with him 24/7, I was missing having some time alone. I got up several times during the movie to smoke outside and I could see it pissed Brian off.
"You know that I'm not forcing you to watch this movie right?" Brian stated upset.
I didn't know what to respond and I wanted to avoid an argument so I just went in the kitchen. I stayed there and Brian stayed in the living room the whole afternoon. We didn't talk to each other. I didn't know if Brian was mad or if he understood my needs. But I can't sacrifice them for him. I can't act as if I enjoy being all over him every minute of the day. It's not how I imagined being his boyfriend would be. I hope I didn't make a mistake. Maybe I'm too dramatic. We just don't have the same needs regarding physical touch and presence. I hope it doesn't cause too much trouble.

"You want to order something?" I asked Brian, who was sitting on the couch with his laptop.
"I'm not hungry." He drily replied, not even looking at me.

I ate my Chinese soup on the balcony, looking at Brian through the window. I was scared of loosing him over this dumb thing. But at the same time I didn't want to be frustrated and to give him all my time when I need some for myself. Was putting myself first selfish? I hated having to ask myself these stupid questions. That's why I've never been in a real relationship. I don't want to have to chose between me and the other person. I don't want to change for someone else. And if Brian can't stand that, we're done. He was wrong for being so damn greedy and I was not about to apologize for just spending some time by myself.

He was already in bed when I came in the bedroom. I thought he was asleep but as soon as I lifted the covers he snapped:
"So you're just gonna ignore me all day and then come to sleep in my bed?"
"I don't wanna have this conversation right now."
"Well you don't have a choice here because I'm not over it. And if you don't want to sleep on the couch tonight you better explain yourself."
"Fine."
I turned around and went in the living room. His childish anger was not going to get me.