Like the stars

TWENTY FIVE

I regretted walking away. Sometimes, at night, I wandered what might have happened if I stayed and fought harder for her. Would she be willing to do long distance? Would she have stayed with me despite her not loving me?

She didn't love me but she must have felt something or else she wouldn't have stayed with me for the months she did. She wouldn't have come to every football match, gifted me those birthday presents, spent time with my family, come to dinners and restaurant. She wouldn't have invited me to meet her parents. If she didn't feel anything for me then she wouldn't have lost her virginity to me, we wouldn't have lost our virginity together in that special and loving moment. We wouldn't have cuddled after, falling asleep in each others arms and waking in the morning only to make love again.

It was those moments I remembered and it was because of that I continued to ask myself if I should go to her and say yes to her offer of trying long distance.

But then the Lauren in my mind slaps me. She punches and kicks, hard, waking me up from that harsh dream of overthinking and 'what ifs'.

Harley didn't want to fight. She didn't care enough to fight. She didn't love me and didn't care about us. So why should I?

I still love her, those feelings don't just disappear but I was trying to forget her and the aching in my chest. There was a lot of pain and heartache, the pain stabbing and making it difficult to breathe. That's what it felt like sometimes. The broken pieces of my heart were stabbing at my lungs.

But despite the pain, most of it was anger. I was angry at her for not loving me, angry at her for not caring enough, angry at her for giving up. Angry at her for choosing Harvard over me.

Deep down though, underneath the anger and pain, I knew that was unfair of me. I knew how much she wanted to go to Harvard, how she resents her parents for halting her life. It was unfair of me to even think about her giving up her dream for me. She's been clinging on to it for ten years. She's only known me eight months.

I was angry because she didn't love me. I was angry because she wasn't willing to try making it work. I was angry at myself for falling in love with her.

"Do you know where Connor and the douches are going for college?" Parker asked from the other end of the couch.

My eyes didn't stray from my mom's picture wall. It was rare for me to wish my mom was here. It was rare because I never knew her, because I was two when she died and I don't have a single memory of her. But I know she would have been the best mom, I know if she was here now then she would be constantly trying to cheer me up. There are times in life, no matter how old you are, where you just want your mom. I want my mom.

"No idea."

I didn't care about Connor or the douches.

"It better not be Denver. I've had enough of them to last a lifetime." He groaned.

"I'm sure the douches at college will make Connor look like a princess."

"Oh believe me they will." Carter said, collapsing in the seat between us. He elbows me and I turn to him. His eyebrow raises, a silent question asking if I'm okay.

I don't know the answer yet, the pain of Harley not loving me and us breaking up still hurts and according to Lauren it will for a while.